scene 1, take 3, action!

Shit.

2012-01-15T02:27:00.002+08:00

I can't write anything. This is the most major block I've had in a while. I'm not just talking about blog posts. I can't write emails (sorry May Ee!), long fb comments, stories (not even 500-word ones), lyrics, poems. Fuck, I can't even write a single line that's gripping and makes sense. Kind of panicking right now.

2011-12-30T01:48:00.005+08:00

Four months in India, and you want to know my health record? Down with the fever/cough/cold package twice (with those damn antibiotics prescribed once), and food poisoning once. Le sigh. And I used to boast that I've been vomit free since '03. There goes my tag line. And that's just physically.

Mentally, I'm far from fine, too. My head's a mess. I want to forget about other people and for once just let myself be happy, but the guilt's killing me. I can hear the ticking heart. Hell, the heart I hear's not ticking, it's pounding. How the fuck is he able to stand it?

I can't keep sleeping in your bed
If you keep messing with my head
Before I slip under your sheets
Can you give me something please
I can't keep touching you like this
If it's just temporary bliss

Okay. Okay, here's a plan. I'm going to let myself be carefree until this New Year's. And then in the next one month, while he's gone, I'm going to prepare myself. Build walls. Become stronger. I might not be a good person, I might be selfish, I might be greedy, lazy, useless, worthless...but. I know I still deserve more than this.

But forget all that for a moment now. I need this New Year's Eve to be perfect. I need everything that I've ever imagined will happen to happen. If I'm not going to do the right thing, then at least I shouldn't have any regrets.

-----

This is from a draft long ago that I never got around to publishing, so here, it still holds weight anyway:

You know what's the problem? I don't think I'll ever find someone I can tell every single thing I feel too, even if I want to. I'm so...complex--which, when it comes down to it, is just a nicer way of saying fucked up. Sometimes I feel like I want to get away from myself, because there's too much of me to take. How can I expect a stranger to accept and understand (let alone love) me when I can't even do that much for myself?

To every guy who's ever liked me to some extent beyond that of a friend...I'm sorry.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

- Sylvia Plath

Bittersweet.

2011-12-14T23:11:00.003+08:00

It's when everyone around me is gossiping about how he's in love with me (and I know better than anyone else that it's just a rumor).

It's when he checks up on me day and night (but only after making sure she's fine, first).

It's when he tells me he'll miss me when he leaves next month (but I know I'd be but a far away memory, because he'll be with her).

It's when he's saying the sweetest things to me at 12 at night and 4.30 in the morning (and her name creeps into the conversation because she's a bigger part of his life than I'll ever be).

It's when he asks me to stay with him, always (but I know he only means as a friend).

It's when he begs me not to go back to sg (but he doesn't know what to do with me if I stay).

It's when he promises me that he'll study hard and follow me if I go (and I know it's a lie because how could he bear to leave her).

It's when I know that he carries around my letters to him in his shirt pocket, close to his heart (but really it's just an empty space because he's already given it to someone else).

It's when I finally realize that I can commit to someone (but the person I want to commit to doesn't need it).

Rant.

2011-11-13T00:14:00.003+08:00

Truth is, I really, really want to write stuff that matters, stuff that's at the least entertaining to read, but right now, I feel so suffocated. I've been down with fever since last Sunday. I feel a lot worse than I usually do when I'm sick. I guess it's because of everything else that's been going on, too.

On a side note, May Ee, I finally realized why you sneeze the way you do! Usually, my sneezes are normal, passing. But today, every single time I sneeze, I can't control a single muscle of mine, and it's like my whole head's caving in and shrinking inside my body. Gross. This feeling's awful.

It's just so hard not talking to him. I feel like shit. And the thing is, everywhere I go in school, people are talking about him. Yeah, okay, I get it, he's popular. But before, I used to feel happy just hearing the mention of his name. And now...I want to get away, and I've nowhere to go. And I can't even tell my friends to just...stop, because they don't even know about any of this.

I wasn't crazy about him when it started. I thought he was sweet. I thought I could use a guy who was nice, who cared. And he did. Fuck, he still does, and I know that. But I feel sad anyway. It's just that, the reason he's not talking to me is because he's angry. And usually he'd get over it in a few hours, maybe a day, but if he's not talking to me for this long...it means I must've really hurt him.

And that's why I can't even sleep properly. I tried to talk to him twice, but he kind of blew up, and I figured he needs his space. It's been a week though, idk what to do. Am I supposed to wait? Is he pissed off that I'm not trying harder? I'm shit at relationships, aren't I.

2011-11-03T01:02:00.002+08:00

Ugh I barely have time to use the internet these days. Figured I'd get a quick post in. So far, this week's been awful for me.

I woke up late on both Monday and Tuesday (ended up skipping a shower on Monday, got ready at lightning speed only to realize that I was wearing the wrong uniform--we're supposed to wear white uniforms on Mondays...don't ask--then had to change my uniform again), half-assed braiding my hair because apparently NOTHING would go right, skipped coffee, practically ran to catch my bus, had to study for a shitload of tests at school, got scolded by teachers for stuff I didn't even do, then came home and dragged my ass to French class--and alone, too, because F was down with high fever (he's okay now though, yay)--and wrote tests there too, all the while hoping that the next day would be declared a school holiday because of the downpour--but, no, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

I took leave today though. It's All Souls' Day. I visited my grandpa's grave. Apparently here, cemeteries are locked all the time, and you've to get permission from the priest if you want to visit someone's grave (and even that's only allowed on death anniversaries). Um, wow, indians have to do everything differently, don't they.

SK, I'll reply to your message as soon as I can, sorry.

And May Ee, hahaha the crush-radar is patented by me :P Okay but in all seriousness, a crush radar is a waste of space in your brain. No girl needs that shit, trust me. It just makes you very paranoid and uptight and unable to be yourself anymore. As for being girly inside when I saw him...that's an understatement. I was completely, utterly fucked around A. In retrospect, I'm embarrassed just thinking about it D: I apologize for fangirling about him so much to you haha. And thank you for all your eye rolls--they weren't very effective, but it's the thought that counts :P

2011-10-30T14:57:00.004+08:00

Strike out the things you've done:

~~Graduated high school.~~
Kissed someone.
~~Collected something really stupid.~~
Smoked a cigarette
Got so drunk you passed out.
~~Rode every ride at an amusement park~~
~~Gone to a rock concert.~~
~~Helped someone.~~
Gone fishing.
~~Watched four movies in one night.~~
~~Gone long periods of time without sleep.~~
~~Lied to someone.~~
Snorted cocaine.
~~Failed a class.~~
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid).
Watched someone die.
~~Been to a funeral.~~
~~Burned yourself.~~
Ran a marathon.
~~Cried yourself to sleep.~~
~~Spent over $200 in one day.~~
~~Flown on a plane.~~
~~Cheated on someone.~~ (Well, almost. Not my proudest moment.)
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
~~Cut yourself on accident.~~
…on purpose
~~Had a best friend.~~
~~Lost someone you loved.~~
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Dangerously close to being in jail.
~~Skipped school.~~
~~Had detention.~~
~~Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.~~
Stolen books from the library.
~~Gone to a different country.~~
Dropped out of school.
~~Been in a mental hospital.~~ (As in, I've been inside...)
~~Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.~~
~~Had an online diary.~~
Fired a gun.
Had a yard sale.
Had a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
~~Been in a school play.~~
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
~~Voted for someone on a reality TV show.~~
~~Written poetry.~~
~~Read more than 20 books a year.~~
Gone to Europe.
~~Loved someone you shouldn’t have.~~
~~Used a coloring book over age 12.~~
Had surgery.
Had stitches
~~Taken a taxi.~~
Seen the Washington Monument.
~~Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once.~~
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
~~Suffered any form of abuse.~~
Gone surfing in California.
Had a hamster.
Pet a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Did “spirit day” at school. (no, but I did Day of Silence once. In SG. I must be crazy.)
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
~~Had something pierced.~~
~~Got straight A’s.~~
~~Been on the Honor Roll.~~
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Madeout with someone.
~~Played on a sports team.~~
~~Sexted.~~
Been to NYC.
~~Snuck out of the house.~~
Given a blowjob.
Given a handjob.
Swore at a teacher.
Gone laser tagging.
~~had a boyfriend/girlfriend~~
~~been on the TV~~
been fingered
~~french braided~~
skinny-dipped
~~driven a car~~
~~performed in front of an audience~~
been in love
~~had a blond moment~~
~~been on a train~~
seen a ghost
~~gone bungee-jumping~~
been to Mexico
crashed a car
sky dived
been kissed in the rain
~~been to your states capital.~~
~~made an 11:11 wish~~
~~drank alcohol~~
~~forwarded a chain letter~~
~~made a mistake~~

Okay I'll try to blog a lot more regularly from now on. Happy, May Ee? :D

On pottermore 24/7.

2011-10-07T01:04:00.002+08:00

Brewing potions is a royal pain in the ass. Also, I'm in gryffindor. Wtf I don't want to be in gryffindor! I'm not brave! I don't even like the colour red! What kind of fuckery is this! Hopefully my excessive use of exclamation marks and my complete disregard for any other punctuation are enough to convey how upset I am! :(

Okay I'm just being overdramatic, gryffindor's fine, I'll take it. I know what you guys are thinking: bitch, you don't take gryffindor, gryffindor takes you if you're lucky. Which is just as well.

I am such a shitty blogger. Also I'm in Chennai now which means that I can eat at MAC AND KFC AGAIN. Fucking finally. Um idk how I ate at Mac almost 3-4 times a week and still never got sick of it, they must've put weed inside that damn mcspicy burger. I went to an amusement park today (yes, my second one in a little more than a month, WHOA I AM COOL) and I went on the pirate ship like 9358352 times. Didn't go on the rollercoaster because...after Revenge of the Mummy, everything kind of pales in comparison.

Things change.

2011-09-25T14:35:00.003+08:00

I've been gone for a week. A week isn't a long time, but a lot of things have happened. Like, for example, I'm taking French. Prior to this, my French vocabulary only consisted of the following:

Okay, just kidding. But anyway, french! French class is the best thing that's happened to me since I got here--and the language itself is only 1/10th of the reason why. It's more about the people there. The teacher is amazing; she's old but she's so carefree and understanding, I love her. And she has the most adorable and talkative daughter ever. Then there's the two boys from 12th standard, who're like characters straight out of a rom com movie. I can imagine them being in...say, Hangover, no kidding. And, well, there's one other guy. Remember that awfully sweet and helpful guy I told you guys about?

Yeah, as it turns out, he kind of likes me, and I kind of like him too. And French class is pretty much the only place where I can talk to him freely without worrying about what other people will think. So, yes, the best way to get over someone is to fall for someone else, my advice actually works.

And, okay, I don't just kind of like him; I really, really like him. His voice is so cute, it breaks all the time. And every time I'm saying something that I think is really romantic, he counters with something that completely kills the mood on purpose. And as frustrating as it is...it makes me smile anyway. And he always asks me if I'm angry after that, acting all innocent. But there are times where he's surprised me by being so straightforward with his feelings that I didn't even know what to do with myself.

He's like a kid sometimes. Like, when talking to his friends, he'll stomp his feet when he's really amused and omg it's so adorable and the best part is, I don't have to steal glances anymore. I've every right to look at him, and it feels amazing knowing that. It feels amazing when he turns around and catches me looking and his face breaks into the subtlest of smiles, meant only for me.

Let me be happy with this, even if only for a while.

Pending.

2011-09-25T14:27:00.003+08:00

Okay, meant to post this days ago, but I didn't have internet connection. So, here...

I just finished re-reading one of my favourite books--The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And once again, I was reminded of why it's in my list of favourites. This books always takes me on an emotional rollercoaster ride I'm not quite prepared for.

---

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that this all feels very familiar. But it's not mine to be familiar about. I just know that another kid has felt this. This one time when it's peaceful outside, and you're seeing things move, and you don't want to, and everyone is asleep. And all the books you've read have been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved have been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty to other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity'.

It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you're happy, too."

This feeling is something that resonates within me. Sometimes, when I like a band and I finally find someone who likes them as well, I get excited. But when everyone starts liking that band, a part of me is bitter. And it's not that I don't want them to be famous or successful, but I feel like that band isn't just mine anymore, even though it was never mine to begin with. But when people had no clue who they were, at least it was easier to pretend, you know? That I was the only one who slept listening to their music at night.

But if I go to a concert to watch that band, and I see hundreds of people mouthing the lyrics to their music, I'd feel happy, the kind of happy that starts from deep within me and spreads upwards. And I don't really know why it's any different. It's not. But I guess I'm a different person each time. Once a sad person, and once a happy one.

--

"And I thought about how many people have loved these songs. And how many people got through a lot of bad times because of those songs. And how many people enjoyed good times with those songs. And how much those songs really mean. I think it would be great to have written one of those songs. I bet if I wrote one of them, I would be very proud. I hope the people who wrote those songs are happy. I hope they feel it's enough. I really do because they've made me happy."

It's funny how each song holds a different meaning for every person. The song someone listens to motivate them before an exam is the same song I listen to when I'm sad. The song someone listens to after they go through a break up is the same song I listen to when I'm vacuuming my floor and feel like dancing. So the thing is...is there such a thing as what a song really means? Because in the end, it only means as much as what the person listening to it wants it to mean.

But I do think about the people who wrote the songs I love sometimes. What were they going through when they wrote it? Was it just an idea randomly bouncing around their head, or did it really come from deep within their heart because of a tough time they were going through? Most of the lyrics that I've written don't actually have any real meaning for me. The words sound good when they're run together and the rhythm is nice, so I write, and the atmosphere of the song changes with my mood. But I guess it's different for everyone.

--

"I don't understand that. I would give someone a record so they could love the record, not so they would always know that I gave it to them."

There was once when I was wrapping up my gifts for Teachers' Day, and I'd labels on each and every one with their names on it, so I'd know whom each gift belonged to. And my dad told me that I should write my own name on it, too. And when I asked "why?", he looked at me like I'd asked the stupidest question in the world. But writing my name honestly seemed so unimportant at that point. It still does.

I think the problem is that most people buy gifts for the sake of buying gifts. But the point of gifts are to make the person who receives them happy. I wish people would remember that.

--

And you know, if you read Perks of Being a Wallflower in one sitting, you'll realize that Charlie thinks about how he'll treat his kids a lot. And I think the kind of guy I could love is the kind of guy who could think about his kids. Not really his future or his career or his girl, but his kids. And no, he wouldn't try to make them fit into a mold; he wouldn't imagine them as a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer, but just as his kid. A guy who wants to make his kids happy and make them feel like they're the most special thing in the world--he's special too, I think.

---

The Perks of Being a Wallflower reminds me of another book, where the main character says that maybe when god creates people, he writes things like "happy" or "pretty" on their hearts. And that he wrote "sad" on his. I don't know why I always love these kind of books the most. I guess when I read a chick lit or something, I feel happy for the characters from a very third-person point of view. But when I read angst books, I really, really feel happy when everything turns out well.

I think if god does write on hearts, he wrote "fake" on mine. Because I never really say things as they are. I reach a point where I genuinely believe things are as I want them to be. I wish I was happy, and so I am. But mostly it's a temporary kind of happiness. It's easier to pretend things are okay when people are around. Like at school. But when I get home I realize how lonely I am. And I'm not just talking about being here in India either. Even back in Singapore, there used to be times when I thought about how fucked-up things were and I wished everything would just go away.

But what I tell myself is that a normal life isn't any more happy than a fucked-up one. You can't smile if you haven't cried.
So it's okay. But I need to change. I need to cry when I feel like crying and scream when I feel like screaming. I wish I could let myself do that. It seems so simple and yet that part of me, that part of people that just lets them do whatever they feel like, it's become numb because I've shut it away for so long.

----

I got tired of sitting here reading Perks of Being a Wallflower on my laptop (I hate ebooks, but it's not like I've much of a choice now), so I went up to the terrace. That's the nice thing about houses here. No apartments. Every house has a terrace. And it's nice because whenever I'm sick of being in the dark and not looking at any trees, I can just go up there. Without having to worry about what I'm wearing or how my hair looks, because there'll be no one up there to see me.

Well, that wasn't always true. There was a boy. About a year or two ago. He was in the house right next to us, so close you could almost jump over. My cousin asked me not to go up to terrace anymore, not alone, anyway. Show of hands, how many of you think I'd have listened?

I did go up, and I did see him. To begin with, I love the terrace, especially during November and December when the weather is cold and it gets dark faster. But it was nice seeing him. He was really good-looking, in a sad kind of way. Like he's gone through a lot. We both used to pace back and forth, pretending the only reason we were there wasn't to look at each other. I never talked to him or asked around for his name. Sometimes, it's just nice to know that someone really sees you, and is standing under the same sky that you are.

I didn't know anything about him. I don't know if he dropped out of school or if he's in college now. It's funny how sometimes you remember people you saw only a few days without talking to at all, when you can't even remember your own classmate of two years. I'm dead serious about the last part, by the way. It was after 'O' Levels, maybe around January, and I'd a new friend request on facebook. I saw the name and it seemed familiar, so I looked at the profile picture. I looked and looked and looked, for almost two whole minutes. And then I realized that, holy shit, that's my sec 4 classmate. I felt bad for a while after that. I mean, it's true that she always kind of blended into the background, but I was surprised I could've forgotten someone that easily, and it scared me.

--

"It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it, too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me."

Easier said than done, I think. Sometimes the reason I can't show it is because I don't think the person I like would want me to. And I don't want to put them in a spot or make them feel uncomfortable, you know what I mean? I'd rather just watch them be happy from a distance. That's what Charlie did, too.

But, having said that, if someone had a crush on me and never told me about it, then...I guess I'd feel the same way as Sam. It's strange how sometimes you can go months without noticing someone even though they know every little detail about you, things that aren't even important, things you don't tell anyone. Because you're always thinking of that one person who makes your heart beat fast, and you forget. You forget that maybe you're the only thing on someone else's mind, too.

But I don't know if everyone is like Sam and me. If someone had a crush on you, would you want to know? Even if it's someone you make fun of? Or worse, someone you find irritating? Someone you've never really liked?

--

"I love Twinkies, and the reason I am saying that is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live."

This one stuck out to me because it reminded me of Zombieland. Meh, probably the Zombieland writers nicked the idea from here :B

--

"She said that only seventy percent of marriages stay together when they lose a child."

I remember talking about this with a friend, and she said it's because the husband would usually blame the wife, or the wife would feel guilty about it, as if it was her fault. I'm not saying this doesn't happen at all, but I've a feeling there's much more to it than that. I think when you've gone through such a rough patch in your life, you'll want to get away from every single person who was around you at that time, because they're just a reminder of everything that happened.

--

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad."

This one, I don't really have comments about. I just wanted to let you guys read it because I agree wholeheartedly.

--

There was this particular scene in the book that made me cry. See, there's Patrick and Brad. And the first time they make out is at a party when they're both drunk, and the next day Brad pretends he can't remember anything at all. But this happens at the next party, and the party after that. And it goes on like that--Brad keeps getting drunk and wasted so he can fuck around with Patrick while having an excuse for it, because he can't even admit to himself that that's what he really wants. And Patrick realizes how fucked up everything is and tells Brad's parents about how wasted he is all the time (while leaving out the details about their sexual relationship, duh) and they send him to rehab. Brad comes back at the end of summer, throws rocks at Patrick's window (because, yes, he really does kind of love Patrick), and tells him that he wants to continue where they left off (completely sober this time), except it had to be a secret.

And Charlie, he mentions, "I asked Patrick if he felt sad that he had to keep it a secret, and Patrick just said that he wasn't sad because at least now, Brad doesn't have to get drunk or stoned to make love."

That's when I began crying. Because it's not fair. I'm not saying Brad is completely innocent or that it's okay for him to hurt Patrick. But it's not fair that he lives in a world where the only way he can allow himself to love the person he wants is if he's not sober. It's not fair that he lives in a world where his dad would hit him with a belt over and over again if he ever found out (which does happen later on in the book). I'm not saying it was justified for Brad to come to school after that and call Patrick a faggot. Brad was being a dick. But why did people have to drive him to that in the first place.

I mean, honestly, it's not even about prop 8 or gay rights. It's about equality. Why can't you just leave two people who love each other alone. What gives anyone the right to tell someone who they should talk to or sleep with.

--

Aside from everything I already mentioned about, this book discusses abuse and the willingness to be abused (a stockholm syndrome of sorts) several times. There's one quote I like a lot: "We accept the love we think we deserve." (To put it into context: Charlie's sister keeps bullying her boyfriend until the day he hits her, and then suddenly she gives in to everything he says and believes that she loves him.)

Usually, it's hard for a book to take even one theme and send across the intended message clearly, but this book circles around several themes at once, and when you reach the last page, you really do feel enlightened. You might not gain anything from it in the sense that you might not even change as a person, but at least you'll gain a new favourite book. I read it about 2-3 years ago, and I think that's the perfect time to read it. When you're in the middle of high school and you're still not even halfway there to figuring out who you are as a person.

I've a feeling that if I read this book ten years later, I might not even understand why I liked it so much. It's the fact that you're at this age and you're in this mood and you're going through these things that make it so likeable. But maybe that's what's special about the book. I think everyone should read it before their teenage years are over, at least.

Because trust me when I say, for a moment after reading it, you'll feel infinte. And there's no feeling that can beat that.

Today was a good day.

2011-09-18T01:02:00.004+08:00

My tamil teacher didn't show up, so my friends and I partied at the back of the class. I taught them Truth or Dare thinking it might be fun, but man, was I wrong. Different culture = a lot of restrictions. In SG, it's no big deal to go up to a guy and ask him out as a dare, just for laughs, but here, it's kind of awkward to even go up to a guy and ask him whether he's studied for a test. But anyway, they taught me curse words (which I believe are the most important part of a vocabulary for any language) and slang. Like, "have you done it?" is "matter mudinchirucha?". They asked me how I picked up that stuff so fast hahah. I told them not even a sixth grader in SG is as innocent as the girls are over here.

And all the while, my eyecandy plus the only guy who's been amazingly sweet and helpful to me so far were both sitting right beside us with their ~gang~ and fooling around. Guys here fool around in a way I've only seen guys in my secondary school fooling around. You know, carrying each other and shoving each other down and...just being adorable, really.

I submitted a request letter to transfer from Tamil to French today. I really don't want to be stuck in Tamil. Even the kids here can't cope up with the Tamil, so how am I supposed to scrape a pass, let alone score well? And anyway, I want an excuse to learn French :3 So cross your fingers for me! Depends on what the school says.

I chatted for a while with my secondary school crush today. It was...nice. Like, we both caught up with each other and he made me laugh and. It felt nice. I didn't feel any of that shit I went through last year. That's the point I want to reach with A. Where, if I ever talk to him or even see him again, I don't feel anything close to what I'm feeling now. I'd just think, "oh, that was nice", and move on.

Tomorrow's Sunday! The only day where I get to sleep in, fuck yeah. I never knew the beauty of a Sunday until I came to India, seriously. Every Friday, I pray that no, there won't be school on Saturday, and every Friday, it turns out that yeah, there is -.- But school's a lot less stressful and the workload's only a tenth of what I'm used to, so I can't exactly complain.

will i ever stop talking about books...probably not.

2011-09-12T21:18:00.004+08:00

I think about how I learned to love you from so far away, the inner workings of a computer and social networking a mystery that nonetheless brings you to life from thousands of miles away. Your digitized face on my screen, your words in any font I choose, your voice courtesy of one long deceased Alexander Graham Bell. I love you fully nonstop yet in doses throughout my day so the hurt of distance is dulled and not to be felt all at once. I think about how I will learn to love you from very close, my skin becoming the same color as yours in bed, your breathing picking up cues from mine. I could record your sleep noises to try and hang on and bury my head into the very essence of who you are. The pain of leaving will soften over time but that first literal tearing from the place we have fused physically and psychically will hurt and grow over with each day apart. I will hand my boarding pass to a man with a toothy smile and wonder if he sees the scar.

- youveescaped

I'd library period today. Yes, we actually have library periods here. The only 40 minutes of the week where I can enjoy air con; there's little more to it than that, really. It's a period where they take us to the library (because we don't really have much time to go to the library otherwise) and let us sit down there and do whatever we want (not that we'd read the books there...let's just say they're targeted towards a younger audience. A much, much younger audience).

But anyway, it reminds me of when I used to have library periods in primary school. Now, I've always been a bookworm, since I started primary school. I started out by reading practically every single fairytale book you could find in the library, and then I took a step up by reading Nancy Drew books, and by the time I was 9, I read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. My first Harry Potter book, and still my favourite.

But it was only after I'd library periods that I began to like classics. I mean, yeah, I'd already read stuff like Oliver Twist, but library periods introduced me to so much more. The teacher would hand out books for us to read, and we'd discuss about them during the next lesson. The first thing we read was a Sherlock Holmes book. Me and the guy who sat next to me, Gabriel, we might not have looked like the type to read a lot, but I'm pretty sure we were the only ones who'd read the whole book by the next lesson. I can still remember how excited I was during that discussion, putting my hand up all the time to answer all the questions like the innocent little schoolgirl that I was, and having a hell of a time talking to Gaby duck about it.

We read a lot more, but the ones that I can recall are Romeo & Juliet, Wuthering Heights, A Wrinkle In Time and A Picture of Dorian Gray. Which explains why I get so shocked when people I meet in JC tell me they've never heard of Oscar Wilde, let alone this book, because it was such an important part of my childhood.

You can imagine how excited I was for this movie. Because, hello, Ben Barnes in my favourite classic, need I say more. Plot-wise, I can't say I was satisfied, but it's a guilty pleasure of mine all the same. The film's a total sexfest. Okay, I think it's better if I just emphasize on the Ben Barnes part and shut up.

Walk down the memory lane...

2011-09-11T22:04:00.003+08:00

Christians being ridiculous, yet again. New favourite quote: "Put some jeans on, and fear God." And holy shit, practically every Singapore PR I know is going back to their hometowns all of a sudden. 2011, you never even told us to watch out. If only you know the history I have with the others who're leaving SG once and for all as well. It's so damn coincidental and sad, you can make a movie out of it.

I was reading my old texts, and I found a few that made me giggle or go of course.

"I wish I could wrap him for ya. But then I might go to jail for kidnapping :P If only you were going to NP, then you could see him almost everyday. Nvm la, surely jc also have cute and charming guys."
- Pooja. Ain't that the truth. Should've just stuck to NP, I think.

"u are sherri right?"
- the first text I got from Qi.

"stalin!!! in the lib!!!"
- my first text from Mayee.

"hey janet!!!!! niki here...A is still in school!!!!"
- my first text from Niki. Don't judge me.

Oh, and when Mayee asked me what homework we have and I was complaining about my "tl" homework, she sent:
"what tl? do i have to do it too? omg I m scared."

Man I was gonna read a lot more but my phone started hanging, that little shit. I need a new phone. And a new laptop.

And a new life, fuck this one.

2011-09-11T02:20:00.003+08:00

On watching Jude Law in a production of Hamlet: "I was thinking 'I know they're speaking English but it’s just all fucking gibberish'. I can appreciate the action and the way they learned all those lines but… what the fuck was going on?"

- Noel Gallagher

That's pretty much how I felt when I was watching Macbeth (Shakespeare in the Park). I mean, I could tell a lot of effort and time had gone into it and it was supposed to be this amazing heart-wrenching performance that'd stay on my mind for months to come, but I was just there like "wtf am I doing here" half the time. Actually, tbh, I think Shakespeare is overrated. His books aren't bad, but...to call them the best fucking thing that happened to literature is a bit of an overstatement.

Hamlet is the only exception. I adore the book. Mainly because I think that scene where Hamlet organizes the play and waits for the King and Queen's reactions is pure genius. Plus, I've always felt that Hamlet has better quotes than his other books.

"But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue."

"For Hamlet, and the trifling of his favours,
Hold it a fashion and a toy in blood;
A violet in the youth of primy nature,
Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,
The perfume and suppliance of a minute —
No more."

"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment."

"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love."

That last quote alone is more romantic than Romeo and Juliet, that's how strongly I feel about that ridiculous story. And, of course, never forget: Hamlet is where "To be or not to be--that is the question" and "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" come from. So in conclusion, whether you like Shakespeare or not, you should read Hamlet! Ta-da.

-------

About her seven-year-old son, Joe: "I like the diversity that my children are exposed to every day. I love the way their brains work. Joe turns to me the other day and says 'One day I will have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, darling. Which would you prefer?' And I said 'My Love, that would be entirely up to you, and it doesn't make any difference to me.' But that he knows! It's a real privilege. Talk about the best education."

- Kate Winslet

Af'sjafa that's how I want to raise my kids. To let them have the choice, to let them know that I'll be there for them no matter what, that I'd never judge them for anything, so that they know that they shouldn't judge anyone else, either, but only be accepting of everyone. And he calls his mum "darling", how adorable is that?!

Every. Single. Time.

2011-09-10T01:15:00.002+08:00

What laziness does to someone. In other news, I found the essay I wrote on procrastination a year ago. I've zero inspiration, so here, have some recycled material.

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Topic: Are you a procrastinator?

I think it goes without saying that the answer to that is yes. See, procrastination is a fine art that can only be appreciated by another procrastinator. We procrastinators are a curious brand of species. Scientists could lock us into cages and experiment for decades, but they would never understand how our minds work. We have been programmed to lie around and waste away doing absolutely nothing even though we have a million things left to do.

Let’s face it; procrastination and laziness go hand in hand. When we are feeling lazy, we procrastinate and vice versa. This is an endless but precious process that was been around since the beginning of time. Just pretend that no one in the world was lazy and that no one procrastinated. That every human being worked hard and always did what they were supposed to do on time. Can you imagine how boring life would be?

Besides, we are part of the status quo of society. Take a classroom situation, for example. If there were no procrastinators in a class, the teachers would have no reason to nag at the students, which means they would have more time to focus on the actual lessons. Since they get to teach their lessons according to schedule, they will also dump work on the students. The pupils will be miserable, of course, but none of them are lazy bums and so they will submit their work on time, all neat with their sickeningly straight handwriting. Now that all the work has been handed in without even a single piece missing, the teacher will have a ton of papers to mark, and now she too will be miserable. And so it carries on, this vicious cycle. But fear not, in the real world, lazy people will continue to survive and study and work amongst normal people.

Here is a secret that they (and by ‘they’, I mean the government) don’t want you to know. Procrastination is good for you. Seriously. Is it better to stress over something for a week or just one night? Before you answer, remember that too much stress leads to acne and infertility. Okay, maybe I made part of that up. Which part exactly is entirely up to you to decide.

This fact has been kept a secret throughout the centuries because if everyone thought it was okay to procrastinate, then no work would have ever gotten done. Of course, there are always the abnormally intelligent people who discover this sacred art all on their own. They deserve a round of applause, and maybe a nice hot cup of coffee to get them through their latest quest.

Part 2 of the previous post.

2011-09-04T18:05:00.003+08:00

May Ee, I love you. I might have many other close friends who I wouldn't give up for anything in the world, but the truth is, you're the only one who has ever completely accepted me for who I am. Thank you.

Every other girl friend I have expects me to:
- Reply to texts. Always.
- Never miss a call.
- Inform her when I'm not coming to school.
- Stick together with her throughout the school day. God forbid I even sit in class with someone else.
- Meet up with her every waking minute. On the way to school, before morning assembly, during free periods and lunch, after school, on holidays.

And if I don't do any of that, they take it personally. As if failing to do all that means that I don't care about them. Bull. Shit. I feel so suffocated sometimes. I don't know why they can't just understand me and let me do my own thing. I can't be around one person for more than a few hours, truth. I GET SICK OF LOOKING AT YOUR FACE. YES, EVEN IF YOU LOOK LIKE A GREEK GOD. Even if you look like him. I hope my future boyfriends don't have such ridiculous expectations of me. I'm not the kind of girl that'll hesitate to cut you off after just a week if I think it's not working out, just so you know. I'll just be like "hey, the last week was fun, but I think I've to move on to better things. Adios!" and I'll just keep on walking.

But anyway, May Ee, you were the only one who never forced me to do any of that shit. Who never whined or guilt tripped me and made me feel like a bad friend. And I know it's because you're the same hahah. You are like a breath of fresh air after all my other friendships. I feel like I can actually relax around you, without constantly wondering what's going to go wrong the next moment. We both appreciate our space. We are cool like that, high five (bitch I don't care if you don't like high fives, make an exception)!

SK, I love you. We'd only a little time together, and I regret that. But we'd a lot of quality time to spend together hahah! We're always getting ditched, and we always end up having lunch alone together. Which I know you're bummed out about for certain reasons, but it was always fine by me, because we have so much to talk about. Fast food and pickles and reading and rock music ftw. I was always glad to see your face in school. And you've never failed to amuse me whenever I say hi to you, because you'll stare at me for a second with a blank expression like it hasn't registered yet, then all of a sudden you'll wave enthusiastically. No one's ever seemed that happy to see me before, so thank you, it's nice to know that my royal presence is appreciated by some people after all :P But hey, you need to chill. Don't be so uptight. Strive to achieve your goals, but don't crush others in the process. I know you're competitive. It's a good quality to have. But the people you're competing against are not your enemies. Relax, live a little. Love everyone. Open up and give them a chance, like you gave me. If you need someone to listen, I'm always here.

Hwee, I love you. You've this amazing ability to disarm people and make them feel comfortable while talking to you. I feel so relaxed when I'm around you. As if we both just smoked a whole bag of weed. And I feel so lucky that you were in my Math class. Because I needed you there. For obvious reasons. I needed someone who could make me loosen up and feel like I can breathe. And you did much more than that. You teased me, you gave me nicknames, you made me laugh at the worst possible timings, and somewhere along the way, I found a true friend in you, and I'm glad. People always tell me that I smile all the time, and they wonder how I can be so happy. But Hwee, those people wouldn't say that if they'd met you. My happiness is like a candle. It'll burn out after a while, until someone replaces it. But your happiness? It's like the sun, always burning brighter, bringing light to other people.

Qing, I love you. You're the first person who I ever talked to in our class, and I wouldn't change that for anything. I wish we could live those two days of Orientation again and again. Remember us wearing all those glowsticks and marching into the hall with our Darwin cheer, messing up here and there while performing, then fangirling like crazy every time a korean song came on in another group's performance (especially if it was from Big Bang or Beast)? I know we have our differences, and there were times when I felt like I couldn't really connect with you...but that last month before I left? I felt closer to you than ever. Yes, including Orientation. You're a genuinely nice person, Qing. You care about everyone. And your shoulder is top quality material, the best kind to lean on :P Thank you for caring about me, for worrying about me, for running with me even when we're not required to and everyone else looks at us like we're out of our minds, for being high with me, and for always encouraging me.

Qi, I love you. It's so easy to talk to you without holding back. We have the same expectations and the same turn-offs. And remember what I said at the airport? You were one of the girls who stood out to me even on the first day of class. You were so...approachable. I didn't know back then that we'd end up friends, let alone in the same clique. You're adorable, from your surprised "no?"s and the way your laugh sounds to the way you sound when you speak korean while batting your eyelashes. I know I said XY is my first choice, but I take that back. You're my first ;) So stop being so insecure about yourself (especially about your weight wtf, you're thin but not too thin, you're perfect). My mind basically works like a guy's anyway, so if you're my first, you can bet you're first on a lot of guys' lists as well. And also, thank you for always managing to cheer me up without even realizing it.

Juan, I love you. Honestly? At first, when school started, I thought we'd never click. But weeks passed and I began talking to you more and more, and I realized how much fun I had with you. And you're the only person who ever gives me attitude :O I like that part too, though. I kind of miss it. But you always look so...down. Remember that first time I told you I watched Dong Yi and you jumped up and down excitedly? I saw a new side of you that day. And you looked beautiful. You should smile like that more, you're prettiest when you smile. And you always managed to make me laugh even when you weren't trying to! Shh, this is our little secret, but you give the best hugs I've ever received, the kind that make me feel like I never want to let go. Thank you, Auntie Juan.

A, I love you. But I'm trying to stop.

Feel free to skip this post, it's just me rambling.

2011-09-04T02:38:00.001+08:00

"Right then, in that office, with the realization that no one knew the truth about my life, my thoughts about the world were shaken."

I was re-reading Thirteen Reasons Why when this quote made me stop and have to catch myself for a moment. Because I've gone through that before. And I think everyone more or less goes through that. But even if I were given the chance to spill my whole autobiography to someone, I doubt I would. I know they'd never quite look at me the same way after that.

But at the same time, there are many people I've barely brushed shoulders with in my life that I've heard things about from other people, or whose lives I've read about in bits and pieces from their blogs, and I wish I could've had the chance to get to know them better. So I guess you'll never know who're the people who'll stay after hearing the truth about your whole life. Maybe sometimes, we should just take chances and see where it leads us.

--------

I've noticed, people, they all have motives
Different, yet all the same
I fumble through every word that was spoken
and I barely knew your name
I'm tongue-tied, it runs through my blood and my insides
Some things we can't escape

Your eyes wide, always ahead of the curve type
Quiet, and confident
You stood there, awkward and youthful, we tangled
A piece of my soul escaped

I fell for you when I thought you were ordinary. And then it was too late to try and keep my feet grounded by the time I realized that you were anything but.

I saw you as someone who's cute, but people told me you were drop dead gorgeous, like a model. Like you didn't belong with the rest of us. I saw you as someone who's athletic. But you proved to be so much more than just a guy on a team. I saw you as someone who's weird and dorky, but people told me you were calm and collected. And it didn't take me long before I began to see you in a new light, a light that others shined on you. Or perhaps it was a light that had been there all along, and I'd just been too blind to notice it. I'm sorry for not seeing you the way I should have seen you, right from the start. It's fucked up that I have to apologize for my own perception. But this is the least of the things I have to apologize for when it comes to you. Don't get me wrong here, you're not the one I'm apologizing to. I'm apologizing to myself. Because I set myself up for the fall.

But know that I've never blamed you for anything, even once. You were nothing short of perfect, even in the midst of all your imperfections, right up to the very last moment. Graceful, even as you let me down. And for that, I guess I should say thank you.

I guess. I can only guess, because I still think about what might have happened if you'd reacted just a bit differently. Maybe it would've disappointed me in that moment, but it would've been easier to get over you. But I don't blame you. I'll be damned if I blame you for being yourself.

Do you have the slightest clue how eloquent your words are and how inferior they make me feel? As if you didn't already make me feel like I can never compare when it comes to everything else. In all honesty, I don't even know where I'm going with all this. I'm just going where my memories of you are taking me. Maybe my memories with you are far and few in between, but never doubt that I've more memories than I can countof you, enough to haunt me through the night.

You know, I've told many of my friends that "the best way to get over a person is to fall for someone else." Splendid advice that turned out to be. I'm slowly finding out that it's a lot easier said than done. How do you fall for someone new when there's no space left for them in your head (and your heart)?

Do you have the slightest clue how you make me feel? I tried to tell you. I tried to put it into words. But as I read everything I sent you, I realize those three tiny paragraphs can't possibly contain how I feel. I guess I didn't try hard enough. Because until now, the words keep coming and they refuse to leave me alone. Sometimes I think if I get rid of them, I'll finally have my peace of mind. But it's not that easy. It just doesn't work that way. I told May Ee she was a hypocrite for never following what she wrote on her blog.

Now who's the hypocrite for writing about him in paragraphs when she said she won't ever post about him again? Lesson learned. I won't make promises I can't keep. In my defence, I never thought you'd stay on my mind for this long. Until now, I've only ever experienced feelings that fade. But this one's only getting stronger as time goes by. And it scares me. There are a million other things I need to focus on, but nothing seems more important than you.

I guess I've never fallen this hard before. At the beginning, you were just part of my going-through-the-motions routine. Go to a new school, make new friends, find new interests, find a new crush. Something to keep me pre-occupied. Something to make me smile every now and then. That's all it was. Was. In the past. Somewhere along the way, I began to genuinely like you. When I looked at you, the smile that tugged at the edge of my lips? I could feel it all the in my fingertips. And that's how I knew. And then I started hearing things. I, of all people, know better than to believe the things I hear. But you've to understand, by this time, I realized you'd never be mine, and I needed an excuse to let go. So I willed myself to stop looking your way. I started noticing another guy. And for a while, a few weeks or so, was it, I really did like him (I suppose he's on my list of people I wish I'd gotten the chance to know. And for the record, even now, I do care about him, even though it's not in the same way that I care about you. I want him to be okay, and to find peple who'll accept him for who he is). I allowed myself to be distracted by him the way Mayee allowed herself to be distracted by Pink.

But you pulled me back. As if you knew. As if you knew my attention had shifted. As if you wanted it back on you. You, who'd never even acknowledged my existence up until then--you talked to me. For no particular reason (as far as I know). And as pathetic as it sounds, that alone made me a million shades of happy.

I've never had a first kiss, I'll admit (fuck, I'm seventeen and I've never been kissed, and this post alone should be enough reason why), but I've done everything there is to do leading up to that moment: flirting, late night texting, hinting at my feelings, talking on the phone for hours, going on dates, hand-holding...whatever. But you need to know that none of that made me as happy as you did that night. By just saying hi. By just talking to me for a few minutes.

All I really need from you is the truth. Did you have any idea how much you confused the shit out of me? Were you even aware that you were doing it? I know what you told me. But I want to know what was going on in your head every time you messed with mine. Mind-reading is the one power I've always said that I'll never want, because it's too intrusive, too scary. I'd rather not know. But if there's such a thing as selective mind-reading, then please, I could use something like that now, because I can't separate my thoughts and dreams from reality anymore.

I'm never shy around people, let alone unable to meet their eyes. I only like guys who're playful and flirty--the class clown type. I don't get distracted in class because of my crushes. I don't get hyperaware when the guy I like is around. And I don't always keep an eye out for them. I don't get awfully concerned when they're hurt or in trouble (unless they're also a friend, of course).

You are the only exception.

I hate myself.

Okay, the dude in the photo is totally judging me. What can I say? I love puzzles.

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Okay. I think I needed that. I'm sorry I'm throwing all this shit at you guys and expecting you to read it. Just so you know, it's not that I don't miss you guys. And it's not that I miss him more than any of you, either. It's just that you guys aren't the ones that make me twist and turn in my sleep, and make me feel weighed down all the time.

I meant to post a lot more--I've already wrote out half of it, but it's almost 1am here and I know it'll take me at least another hour or so to finish, so I guess I should go to sleep now. But just so you know, I love all of you.

School.

2011-08-28T15:18:00.005+08:00

Okay, I was initially planning to narrate everything that happened in school, but I can't figure out which parts are interesting and which parts aren't. So instead, here's something neatly segregated and descriptive (aka dry and yawn-inducing, serious stuff ahead, read at your own discretion).

Infrastructure/facilities.

As far as the school building is concerned, I don't have many complaints. Well, duh, they could have proper roads around the school and it could be a lot cleaner, but at least it's big and has a proper ground and an indoor stadium and a swimming pool (major plus side except I don't know if they let anyone except the students on the swimming team use it), which is a lot more than I can say for the other schools here. They only use blackboards here though, which is a major pain in the ass. I can't stand hearing the friction of the chalk on the board, it's awful and it makes me tense. Plus the tables and chairs are heavy and uncomfortable.

Lessons.

I expected a lot more from India, considering people are like "the education system in India is really good" blah blah blah. And until I came here, I only knew about the CBSE system, which is far ahead of Singapore's education system (they cover Sec 2 science in P6, it's compulsory to learn 3 languages, etc). So I figured the matriculation system (which is considered lower than CBSE) should at least be on par with Singapore's. It's not.

The math syllabus here is lagging behind by at least one or two years, and after a few lessons, I figured out why. They don't use normal calculators, let alone graphing ones. For solving logarithmic equations, they've a logarithm table. And everything else is done by working, even the factorial function. They don't use formula sheets either, they've to memorize everything. I don't really know what to make of it. It's not a bad thing for me because I already know everything they're learning. But it's not a good thing because I feel like all this is so redundant, and I'm just wasting my time away.

Economics here is less like economics and more like history. It's the study of the indian economy, to be exact. And I think Economics, Commerce and Accountancy all have one thing in common here--you've to memorize and spit out what you learn. You guys won't believe this, but the questions that come out in the exams are all given in the books. And the teachers will mark the important ones for you, and they'll tell you where to find the answers. And all you've to do is go home and memorize them. But there's a condition for that, too. You can't write them in your own words. You've to memorize them word for word.

I know a lot of people will think "hey, that's easy" but...it's not just about the level of difficulty, for me. If you know me, you'll know that I'm very...easygoing. I hate being restricted. Studying in this system is suffocating me.

Tamil is, of course, a lot harder here, but that's fair enough, isn't it, and I think the lessons are pretty okay. English, though, is a whole other story. I don't really care about how good the other teachers are at speaking/writing English because I know English isn't their forte, but I do have certain expectations when it comes to the English teacher herself. I mean, yeah, she pronounces "magi" like "maggie", "singed" like "sing-ed", and "clause" like "class", but I'm not particular about that, either.

The part that irks me the most is that the stuff that she writes on the board and teaches the students is grammatically wrong. I don't mean to sound pretentious, but c'mon, I can't even expect the stuff in the textbooks to be grammatically correct? I don't say anything in class because I don't want to be rude, but I feel awful just sitting there and watching the teacher slowly murder the English language. Next to Math, English is my favourite subject. So I can't stand it. But I've to grit my teeth and just sit there.

Attire.

Okay, the uniform is a chudithar. With a vest, not a shawl. At first I was like "wtf, why a vest?!", but after wearing normal chudithars to school for the first three days (because I didn't have my uniform yet and they said wearing jeans and a tee is inappropriate wtaf), I realized how impractical wearing a shawl to school is (it flies all the time, it gets stuck in places, it keeps sliding down). How the uniform actually looks isn't something I want to describe. It's ugly D: Let's just end it there.

And then there's hair. All girls are supposed to tie two plaits (indian plaits, mind you, I can't even tie the french or american kind) with ribbons (!!!!). Which, okay, I can handle, because it's part of the rules, except practically all the teachers asked me to use oil on my hair so it'll look neater. Wtf? That's like asking me to use a different shampoo or something. It's really none of their business, and it gets on my nerves when they do that.

Honestly, the reason I get so worked up about it doesn't really have anything to do about hair in the first place. It's just. I don't like people telling me what to do. And one thing I was clear about when I came here is that I'm not going to change. Not for anyone but myself. So they can eat shit. I mean, I'll see how it goes, but if they keep pestering me about this issue, I think I might just go and chop my hair off. You can't braid short hair right? :D Yes, I'm rebellious like that. No girl here above the age of 12 has short hair though, it's like, socially unacceptable.

Culture shock much. Which brings me to my next point.

Culture.

There are so many things that I'm never going to get used to, let alone understand. Like the fact that you can't go to the washroom during lessons or drink water without asking the teacher for permission or just walk into your own classroom when there's no lesson going on without asking the teacher if you can come in. And whenever the teacher talks to you, you're supposed to stand up. But okay, India's all about respect, I get it.

What I don't get is the fact that girls sit on one side and boys sit on the other. For everything, really. They stand separately during assemblies, sit separately during lessons, walk separately to other classrooms, eat separately. And they don't say anything to each other except stuff like "pass me the file". I am dead serious. It's not that I care about this because I want to flirt with boys and I want a boyfriend and all that, I could care less.

But when it comes to friendship, I feel more comfortable around boys. SK said that for a guy, I'm "best-friend material" hahah. I find it easier to bicker with boys and tease them, which is something I wouldn't do with girls unless I'm really close to them. Plus I'm usually in a lighter mood when I'm with my guy friends, because we don't talk about serious stuff, and if we do, it's still different from talking to girls about it, because boys perceive things/react to them differently than girls do.

It's like with girls, in the initial stages of friendship, I always have to be reserved and soft and careful with what I say, because even though I'm a girl myself, I find girls so complex and confusing and I never know what might set them off, so I feel like I've to tiptoe around everything. Actually, for a girl, I think I'm comparatively easy to figure out and talk to.

So I guess that brings me to the final point...

People.

Three days of school, and so far I've only mingled with the girls in my class. There's eight of them excluding me, to be exact. They're nice enough, and friendly, and teach me how I should act and speak according to this culture so I don't offend anyone, but. I can't really connect with anyone. It's okay though, I was already prepared for this. It's just, they're all so pure and innocent that they're beyond being affected by my knack for corrupting people. And, duh, obviously I'm not pure and innocent, so I wouldn't know how to talk to them. Not to mention their interests and mine are...worlds apart.

Another thing is that people here are really competitive. When a teacher asks for volunteers or the answer, half the people actually raise their hands. And then when they say the correct answer out, they've this smug look on their face. I feel like slapping them. Okay, sorry, I know there's nothing wrong with being like that. It's just, I'm a last-bencher. You know, the kind that sits at the back of the class and rolls their eyes at people who raise their hand so high it almost touches the ceiling (now you guys know how I feel about Hermione). Maybe that's why I don't score well, who knows.

fin.

OKAY IF YOU ACTUALLY READ EVERY SINGLE WORD AND MADE IT UNTIL HERE, I MUST SALUTE YOU. I know it's boring but people keep asking me "how's school" and I don't really know what to say even though I actually have a lot to, so I figured I'd just direct everyone here and get it done with, because I'm lazy like that.

Pooh told me that given my current situation, I'm like Emma Roberts in Wild Child lmao. And she told me to break as many rules as possible. But it's no fun breaking so many rules if I don't even realize I'm breaking them.

In which I wait impatiently for Symphony Soldiers to download.

2011-08-28T01:29:00.008+08:00

You know whose facebook cheered me up in what feels like the longest time ever? The guy who I'd the chance to know but never really got to because I thought he was distant and odd. Which I guess he is, but as it turns out, he's also a riot. Let's add this into my list of regrets, #9041.

You know another thing I regret? Making fun of Singer. Or Alex Deleon, to be exact. Because I just realized how inspiring his words are.

And really, what gives me the right to judge anyone?

I learn something new from my mistakes every single day. But I wish everyone else would learn it with me. Because I hate it when people jump to conclusions. Hypocritical much? Yes. I apologize. I'm trying to change. If it helps, I never assume the worst of anyone...although I never believe it even if it's true, which can be a bit of a problem.

My mind is clearer than usual today. I went to this cozy little restaurant for dinner tonight. First, let me explain, restaurants in south India (as far as I know) have two sections: non A/C, and an A/C hall, because south India isn't air-conditioned everywhere (one of the first things that hits me every single time I come here, because I take A/C for granted over there...c'mon). So the first floor of this restaurant, it's small and doesn't look like much. There's three tables, maybe. Then there's a narrow winding staircase hidden at the left you wouldn't notice until you're actually inside. If you go up the staircase, there's a roof garden, beautiful on cold nights. Tonight wasn't cold (India's weather is basically summer and winter, and right now it's still summer), so we went to the A/C hall, and took the corner most table.

In all honesty, I've been to many restaurants that look much nicer. This one has white brick walls, thick cotton curtains with traditional patterns on them, and lighting so dim that would make me think I'm in a bar if not for the food. But for some reason I can't quite explain, it's my favourite. Maybe it's because it's so quiet there, and I can hear my own thoughts better. It's a place I can go to and actually exhale freely. I mean, if this was Singapore, I'd bring my school bag and start studying there. And I wouldn't a breathe a word about it to anyone else so I can have it all to myself. That's how at home the place makes me feel. There's few places that have made me feel that way. There's NP. There's the park in Sembawang opposite Sembawang sec. Then there's PJ.

All in all, I'm in a comparatively good mood today. Natalie asked me to read F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Crack-Up, and while I didn't think it was a brilliant piece of work that I have to share with every single person I know unlike the rest of the people who commented on his essays, it was a well-written (well, if I absolutely have to be a critic, I'd say that it seems like he was distracted several times while he was writing because it doesn't flow very well, but then again, it's much more than I can say for myself) essay that I could relate to. Or rather, something that everyone will be able to relate to at at least one (or two or three, if you're unlucky) point in their lives.

Maybe I haven't sunk into as much depression as he had at the time he wrote this, but I do feel...empty. Without a purpose. At least he's reached the point where he's free to want anything (but finds that he doesn't really know what to desire). I'm at a point where I'm still restrained, but...I don't have any goals anyway. The more people hold you down, the more you've to fight against it, I think. But I've nothing to fight for.

These days, I'm feeling more and paranoid, I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it has something to do with that sinking feeling in my stomach that started a few months ago and never really left. I'm starting to doubt people. I used to accept whatever people tell me at face value, even the most ridiculous of lies, because I know their lies aren't really meant to harm me, and I know the need to lie as well as the next person. So I just listen and pretend it's true, and that's that. But now I'm doubting the things that I used to actually believe. And it's dangerous. I'm beginning to slip. Reality is but a dream that you can believe in.

But as I was pondering over these things, there was a single lyric that just suddenly appeared in my mind: Your faith has got to be greater than your fear. If there's god, then this time, it's in the form of Julian Casablancas. Maybe I don't have faith in the same things that other people put their faith in. But I think faith is important, anyway.

Okay, I'll let you in on a secret. I'm really only writing because I'm waiting for The Cab's new album to finish downloading so I can hibernate my laptop and go to sleep. It's a good thing, I guess, because I haven't written this much in a while. Not that this is long. It's just longer than what I write nowadays, because my thoughts are always interrupted. Broken. And it takes too much time and effort and pain to stitch them together and make them presentable again.

They say there's a common thread that binds us all. But what if I sewed you up with an uncommon one, and fell in love with the scar?

- Pete Wentz

It's a quote he posted a few of months or years ago, I'm not sure. I was reminded of it when I typed the word "stitch". When Pete first posted it, I showed it to a couple of close friends. They said it was pretty, but they didn't really understand it. So I figured I might as well write out my interpretation (okay, 30MB to go now, I still have to kill time until then).

In this instance, a thread that binds is, I assume, a relationship. In that case, a common thread could refer to friendship, or perhaps a non-platonic relationship that's well-defined. What's a non-platonic relationship that's well defined? Well, when you decide to date someone and call them your boyfriend/girlfriend and go around introducing them to everyone and proudly post your photos together on facebook and talk about them to everyone and know where this relationship is going--I'd call that a well-defined one.

But an uncommon thread? That would be a relationship that doesn't really have any clear beginning or end. Blurred boundaries. Something that's not really a relationship in the first place. A situation when two people like each other but are too afraid for whatever reason to reveal exactly how much or how long to the other, or have to hold back, and this leads them down a vicious road of confusion and despair. And the author, he holds the power to put a stop to everything but he doesn't really want to because he finds beauty in how much the other person is hurting.

How can anyone possible find beauty in how much someone's hurting? I don't know. Because they're fragile, I suppose.

Who looks at that photo and doesn't immediately think, "my god, she's gorgeous"? Besides, I find angst stories beautiful. So I guess maybe I'm only a step or two away from perceiving things the way the author does. But like I've said before, I'm a masochist. I'd fall in love with the scar, all right. Probably the one I give myself.

May Ee said I always fall for heartless men. I don't have anything to say about that. I don't think he's heartless. But a lot of people I fell for in the past were, and I knew it, and I liked them anyway. I felt helpless. There would be moments, little incidents now and then, where I really talk to the people I like and it'd make me feel like I can fly, and although they were few and far between, they were the moments I held on to.

10MB to go. I wouldn't say this post is sad. Melancholic, more like. I'm sorry I keep dodging questions about school. I've been meaning to post about it so I can direct everyone to it because there's actually a lot of things I want to say, but every time I click "new post", I just blindly grasp for words and fail to catch any that matter. I'll post it when I manage to churn out something that's at least borderline comprehensible.

If you need any hints for how I feel about school, all I can say is, I think I've caught a cold, and I hope I come down with a fever soon so I can take leave on Monday.

1MB left. Okay bye readers, thank you for being patient with me and reading through all these paragraphs of shit that don't really matter or make sense but you'd to read through anyway because I don't have an editor as of now (hehehe, just wait till I'm published).

2011-08-26T01:43:00.002+08:00

All I ever wanted you to do was feel this feeling. Be this way. Exhale the sky.

All you ever did was feel different. Be away. Wash your hands with air.

All I love is a feeling. I still feel this way. I cannot breathe.

I still forget there's air out there.

I still forget how white hot everything was.

I still forget myself.

There's nothing wrong with this.

There's nothing true about this.

There's nothing.

You were once everything I felt.

You were once everything.

You were, once.

And if love moves like air, then teach me how to dig my nails into the palm of my hand so I can remember what you once felt like.

- I Wrote This For You

I don't remember. For a while, when I'm in school and I've to talk to people and pretend like everything's okay. But then I come home and I sit down and listen to You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds on repeat and I start feeling like shit and I want nothing more than to just lie down and forget.

Is everyone here make-believe?

I don't know. I don't know.

Questions I can't answer.

2011-08-24T23:48:00.003+08:00

Why're you online?
Why're you showing up on my list?
Why're you showing up in my news feed?
Why're you my friend on facebook?

Why're you in my head?

2011-08-24T00:36:00.003+08:00

I keep going back to his blog even though I know I won't see anything but pictures nowadays. I'm over him. I was over him a long time ago. But I miss his words. This is not the same him I talked about in my last post. If you're reading my blog, you should know that there have been several (okay, three, to be exact) hims in the past (and a lot more to come, because I'm masochistic like that).

I like the things May Ee and SK write. But I finish reading their new posts in a few minutes, and then I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to look at photos. I want to read. I need words words words. I think I'll go continue reading Invisible Monsters.

The reason I love Chuck Palahniuk's books so much is because they're always so sad. And I'm perpetually in the mood to read sad books. Plus they make me think. Every time I finish a book of his, even if I'm re-reading it, I'll have to take a few deep breaths and have a moment to myself, to just kind of collect my thoughts and pull myself back to reality.

---------

Okay, I did find words. Not the kind I thought I was looking for though. But you have to absolutely read this. The whole thing. It's completely worth it.

Life goes on.

2011-08-23T18:49:00.005+08:00

The reason I haven't posted for so long isn't because I haven't had anything to post--it's because I didn't have the right words. I kept writing and erasing, writing and erasing. For days on end, the only thing I could write about was him. About all his lovely imperfections and how I can sketch every contour of his face (lies, my drawing is shit, he'll probably end up looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame) and other things that would bore everyone to death and the darkest depths of hell.

All this time, I felt like I needed to get him out of my system, so I wrote and wrote and wrote. But I couldn't bring myself to post any of it, because I want nothing to do with these feelings a few weeks or a few months from now. All those poetic words and long ramblings about him, they're not me. Maybe they're a part of me, but it's a part that will fade away with time. I think I have it better than May Ee and SK in this aspect. Out of sight, out of mind.

I think things are improving. I dreamt that he came here and memorized the mocha breeze recipe and made it for me. And I didn't know what I was happier about, him or the mocha breeze. So I guess that's a start. Hahah I dream up the weirdest shit, May Ee would know. My subconscious mind is fucked.

I'm finally going to start school tomorrow after 3 and a half weeks of slacking. I don't know how to feel about this. I know I'll get used to the routine after a few weeks or so, but it's not the studying part I'm nervous about. It's the people. I joined a co-ed school, but I don't think it's going to make a difference.

I was waiting to meet my class teacher yesterday, and the woman waiting next to me began talking to me. Then she told me her son was in the same cohort as I am. So after a while, her son came to meet her, and she introduced me to him. So I smiled at him and said hi. Guess what? He couldn't even meet my eyes. I mean, not that I was expecting much; so far, whenever I went down to the school or saw students on the street, girls are always in their own little cliques, and boys in theirs. They don't ever mix. But I thought they'd at least be able to hold conversations with each other? Lol I hope it turns out that the guy I met is just really, really shy and the rest aren't like him.

And, okay, forget guy friends or flirting, I can live without that for two years, but I don't know if I can even connect with the girls. I hope I'm just being paranoid again. For the first few days in PJ, I thought, "okay Janet, just make it through two years, it's okay if you're kind of alone and don't really find someone you connect with." But seven months later and I've found so many people, people I can't bear to leave. So maybe...maybe it'll be okay. And, well, even if it's not, I've to grit my teeth and live with it.

But whoa, you guys should see my textbooks! They're so thin and small. I was like, "huh, this is my textbook for the whole year?" But yay, at least there's an upside! I'm taking Economics, Business Math, Accountancy and Commerce now. The first two should be okay. They're learning macro economics here. I went through a chapter, and it's easier than the shit I learned in PJ by a mile. Commerce and Accountancy are both alien subjects though, I'm kinda nervous for them. But everyone I've talked to says Accountancy is just simple math and Commerce is just writing stories, so...hopefully I'll do well? ^^

And yeah, no History. They didn't have that in my subject combination. No humanities at all. I've gone from taking two humanities subjects to none, so, yeah, I think I'm allowed to be a little depressed over that. But I can always just read about historical stuff on wiki? Thank god for the internet.

-------

Maybe one day, if and when I'm rich enough, I want to travel the world. When I say travel the world, I don't mean honeymoon destinations like Bali or Paris or Venice. I want to see the roads less travelled. I want to learn how to say "hello" and "I love you" in a thousand different tongues, because I think I could live with just saying these two things to people. I want to hear colours and see sounds. I want to taste all the food this world can offer me. Not the ones sold in five star restaurants, but the ones you can buy on a cold autumn night in roadside stalls. I want to wear a million different clothes and see a million different sights. But most of all, I want to talk to people--the young and the old alike. There's nothing more special in this world than the knowledge and happiness you get from talking to others, I think.

I wish I was living in a time where knowledge isn't fed to me through textbooks, but is something that I see and experience firsthand.

Sadly enough, I'm not brave or adventurous enough to just throw on a backpack with minimal things and start walking in a foreign land :(

Huh?

2011-08-11T00:50:00.002+08:00

What's with the new trend of going to the KTM railway track in Singapore and taking photos there? I didn't know that's cool. In India, walking on a railway track is like walking on a normal platform lol. Well, I guess I'm still very Indian in some ways. But I also still have the "I love Singapore" tattoo on my hand. Identity crisis! I don't even know anymore. For the last few years, I've done nothing but complain about Singapore. And then suddenly, the last few days? It's like Singapore can do nothing wrong in my eyes. I even talk about its flaws proudly. What's wrong with me.

Talked to May Ee today! So much has been happening in my absence o_O There comes a time when you realize that the people you love are fucked up. But anyway, back to May Ee...I've never realized how there's so much stuff that I can tell only her, because I know that she's the only person who'll really get it. I read her blog post, and...just. I've a ridiculously long response to it, and no time to type it all up. I will as soon as I get to India, but for now, May Ee, just know that I love you :')

Guess where I went today? Somewhere with a lot of water and pretty girls. Sentosa! Hehe. Went to the adventure park and did Megazip! Which is basically flying fox, but from reaaaaaally high up. My soul almost left my body while I was waiting for my turn. I mean, I saw this girl who actually almost cried while they were tying her harness and stuff, and she kept refusing to jump, and then finally her boyfriend asked her to do it together with him (yeahhhh you can do it with another person...but where's the fun in that? :P) and she still screamed like crazy after they jumped. I was already nervous, but you can imagine the kind of effect this scene had on me. I still smiled happily for the photo they took before I jumped though! I'm such a camwhore. It wasn't scary after I jumped though. It was fun for the first 10 seconds, then by the time I was near the landing, I was bored lol.

Hung out on the beach for a while after that. Surrounded by koreans. I can actually understand half the stuff they're saying now ^^ After that, I went back to the hotel room, rested for a while, and then went swimming! My sister and I were alone for the first ten minutes or so, and then this whole group of boys...well, splashed in, to be exact. And hey, guess what? More koreans! They looked like they were 13 years old tops, though. Yes, I'm disappointed :P The irony is that there are so many korean tourists in Singapore when all we really want is to go to Korea. Anyway, the water was freezing. Ice-cold. Even after I swam for an hour and got out of the water, I was shaking like a leaf. Even now, I'm wearing the jacket I only wear on cold mornings in India.

Okay I should probably hit the sack now, need to wake up early tomorrow D:

Mood: accomplished.

2011-08-08T01:34:00.003+08:00

My fingers ache, and my eyes are tingling. But I haven't felt this accomplished in a while. I haven't focused this much, either. Not even when I'm studying. Writing in Chinese makes me happy. Chinese people always say Tamil words look like drawing, but Chinese characters look more like drawing to me hahah. I love all those strokes and unintentional smiley faces ^^ I'd learn Chinese, but just the thought of having to memorize a gazillion different characters is enough to make my head hurt.

Flipped through the book about China Mr Siva lent me one last time. I'm still curious about the cultural revolution. The book has a whole chapter on it, but only on the political aspect of it :( I want to know what actually happened--what exactly did the red guards do? I'm going to miss CSE like crazy.

Hm I was asking my dad whether Indian History is easy, since I've to learn it all in less than a year (...if I manage to get into year 2, that is). And his reply was, "You scored well for CSE right? You're not even born in China. It's just a matter of interest." I guess I should stop thinking so much about whether I'll score well and just go for it. Because I love history, and it's a little disappointing--and embarrassing, even--that I know the histories of so many countries, but not my own. And it's not like I can just wiki it, because indian history is like...whoa. Probably takes up 943298572 web pages.

----------

When I read May Ee and SK write about studies and working hard, I can't connect at all. It makes me feel like shit. Because they know what they want in life, and they're willing to work for it. I know what I want in life, too. I want to be happy.

But I don't know what makes me happy. People, I guess. Talking to people makes me happy. Is there a job where I can just talk to people about anything and everything and get paid for it? Music makes me happy, too. It's not that I don't put effort into it. When inspiration strikes, I'll do whatever needs to be done to get the most out of it. An awesome catchy tune suddenly pops into my head? Okay, I'll sing/hum it and record it even if I'm alone in the food court or the train. A single verse keeps gnawing at my brain in the middle of the night? Fine, I'll get out of bed, grab my notebook, and pen it down under the light from my phone.

And when I'm free, I sing. All the freaking time. My range has improved. And it keeps improving. I'm happy with what I have. But the thing is, at the end of the day, there's 6 billion other people out there, and there's a shitload of them who're much more talented than me. Which wouldn't really matter except, if you haven't noticed, the music business is pretty competitive. Not to mention how far you get depends purely on luck.

I feel like I still have a long way to go. I only know how to play two fucking chords on the guitar. I barely even touched my guitar while I had it, and I'd to donate it today because it can't be shipped to India. Dad said I can buy another one there, but I don't know if I will. I feel bad enough now because I was the one who kept asking for a guitar, and I hardly even used it. What if I buy a second one and never get around to learning how to play that, either?

It's kind of the same with my writing. I'm always excited when I think of a new plot, and for the first 10k-20k words, I'm in my element. I write for days and weeks on end. And then suddenly I feel drained and when I go back and read everything, I feel like it's shit, and I don't know why I wasted so much time on it in the first place. You could build a fucking shelter for my stories, that's how many I've abandoned.

I realize I'm good at the stuff I'm good at because I like doing them. And I know I can be good at a lot of other stuff if I put my mind to it. But I can't even put my mind to doing the stuff that I like. I never finish what I start. It's like a bad habit I've had for years, and I don't know how to quit. Or rather, I don't know how to stop quitting.

The thing is, I know I can sail through life. But that's not the life I want. I want to be passionate about something and I want to go through late nights and rough times because of it. I want to have the drive, the motivation to do it. I want to feel like, yes, there's nothing else I'd rather do right now. I've seen other people experience that. I've seen their relief and satisfaction when everything goes right and their hard work pays off. But I've never really felt that. I probably sound like a bitch for saying this, but sometimes when I score well for a test, I don't really feel happy about it if I didn't study hard for it.

"To have confidence that I can achieve." Part of my college creed. Well, ex-college. I do have the confidence. But I don't put in any effort. And I don't put in any effort because I feel like it's not worth it. Which is stupid, there's nothing more important to any average 17-year-old than their studies. The problem lies with me.

Something has to change in me. And it has to change fast. Because I've a year to reverse all the damage I've done in the past 10 years. But I can't do it if I'm going to sink into distractions like I've always done. I don't know what I want, but I've to work hard, anyway.

What I need right now is a purpose.

2011-08-06T23:29:00.003+08:00

Have you guys ever experienced a moment where a person close to your heart is sitting in front of you, looking like they're on the verge of tears, and you feel so helpless because you don't know how to fix everything?

Sometimes I want to kick myself. I don't know what to do when people are depressed, let alone what to do when they actually break down. I always have words to offer, but for the most part, they're not the right ones. And for all my penchant for invading people's personal space, I freeze when I see someone cry. I know what I'm supposed to do. Give them a hug -- it's that simple. I wouldn't hesitate in any other situation. But people look so fragile while they're crying, as if my fingers brushing against their shoulders alone could break them. End result? I usually stand a distance away and awkwardly watch. Maybe say a word or two.

I'm shit at comforting people. If there's a course for it, I'd gladly take it. I've never seen noona look as sad as she did today. And I wish I could somehow make it better for her because she's always putting other people's feelings first, and never thinking of her own. I love her. She's too good a person to live in a world like this.

------

Pooh: Hey, let's go take neoprints!
Me: Huh? There's a place to take neoprints in Causeway Point?
Pooh: Yeah! At the gay market.
Me: WTF! (I started laughing uncontrollably right about here.)
Pooh: ...wait. What did you hear?
Me: Uh, gay market? -spells it out-
Pooh: -.- I meant game arcade!

-----

Finally started packing. My room's filled with boxes, rubbish bags and a shitload of unfolded clothes. Going to a hotel soon. I'm actually excited about that part, the house I'm living in now is the furthest from home I can get. But things are moving a little too fast for my liking.

But the day pressed on like crushing weights
For no man does it ever wait
Like memories of dying days
That deafen us like hurricanes

Bathed in flames, we held the brand
Uncurled the fingers in your hand
Pressed into the flesh like sand
Now do you understand?

Sometimes all I really want is to go back to Feb 3rd, 2010, 11pm, and lose myself in a crowd of strangers who're drowning in the music as much as I am. I can do that over and over again. There should be a job where people get paid to go to concerts.

290711 - 060811

2011-08-06T00:15:00.003+08:00

One of the best weeks of my life. There's so much to say, and yet there's nothing, because the people who matter already know. They were with me every step of the way. I thought I'd rot at home and sink into depression the two weeks after quitting school, but so many people made me smile, even the ones I barely know the names of. Thank you ♥

------

Um, after hearing about the Captain America plot and seeing Chris Evans in action, I think the only good thing about the movie is Sebastian Stan. Yes, he looks like a drug addict. Lol most of the guys in school I consider eyecandy look wasted all the time. Wow hey, I have a type.

Hahah on the train ride home today, I was with Shanna and we talked about ~school stuff~ until we realized there was a rugger there! Which, come on, I could care less about now. But the thing is, we also not-so-subtly checked him out and talked about him (and, okay, the fact that his jersey had dirt all over it was kind of a turn-on) because he'd earphones on, but I think music might not even have been playing because he kept turning around and looking at us lmao. Awkward much. Or maybe he looked at us because he was checking us out, too? :P A GIRL CAN DREAM, OKAY.

;)

But at the end of the day, musicians > everyone else. Because guitarists finger faster and drummers know how to keep a rhythm ;) HEY I FEEL HIGH. I need to stop typing because I feel like I'm going to say a lot of things I'll regret. Hell, I already said a lot of things I'm going to regret. It's 1:30AM and I need sleep because I'm going to meet two of my closest friends ever tomorrow and one of them shaved his head and I need all the energy I can get if I'm going to laugh non-stop when I see him.

2011-08-04T23:08:00.002+08:00

Let me light up the sky just for you tonight
Let me help you fly 'cause you won't have time
To cover your eyes or get your disguise
They won't ask you why, they'll just watch you die

And it's still so hard to be who you are
So you play this part and the show goes on
But you've come this far with a broken heart
Yeah, you've come this far and you're broken

Let me light up the sky, light it up for you
Let me tell you why I would die for you
Let me light up the sky, light it up for you
Let me make this mine, I'd ignite for you

Why the fuck did facebook chat suddenly decide to arrange contacts in alphabetical order. Whether he's online or not, his name is always lingering near the top. And just seeing his name makes my heart skip a beat. At the beginning of the year, I remember thinking, "what an unattractive first name". But now, no two syllables make me happier. The reason I sent a message to him was partly because I felt bad, yes, but mainly because I wanted to just get over him and move on. But like I told May Ee, it was counteractive, because I've never thought about him more than I have in the past week. And I haven't even seen him since last Friday.

I know practically everyone else on the face of this earth would disagree, but he's the best thing that's never been mine. No one's ever made me want to be so honest before. You're worth losing my self-esteem. Why do we fall for the people we do. I've never really understood. Everyone else can come up with a dozen reasons why they like their crush; I can't even come up with one.

"He's hot" isn't one. I mean, he is, of course, but that's just a fact about him. It's just there. It's like saying "oh, he's right-handed". Does that change anything? No. I'll admit: his looks are the reason I noticed him. His looks are the reason I was curious about his name. But that's all I'm ever curious about when it comes to eyecandy. So when people tell me, "honey, I think he's just eyecandy", it irks me. Because there's a lot more to it than that.

If he was just another guy at school that I found attractive, I wouldn't have been curious about the kind of person he was. I wouldn't have continued feeling the same way when I heard the things I did about him. I wouldn't have worried about him. I wouldn't have had to catch my breath every time his eyes met mine. I wouldn't have remembered every single word he ever said to me. I wouldn't have given two cents about what he thinks of me. I wouldn't have wasted my tears on him.

But I did all that and more. So...why? I don't know. But I remember a sermon I sat through at church a long time ago. The stuff priests preach are usually full of shit, but for some reason, this really stuck with me. When you love someone without a reason, that's the kind of love that's strong, the kind of love that'll stay. I guess it's true. If you fall in love with a girl because, say, of her long silky hair, what are you going to do when she chops it all off one day? Love that's built on reason can waver. Love and logic don't go together.

Not that this is love. It's just...caring, I guess. I care about him a lot more than I should. Some days when I see him, there's nothing more I want to do than to make him smile. Genuinely smile. The kind where he shows his teeth. It makes him look so awkward and yet I think it's the most beautiful thing about him. And it sucks to know that I can't even do that much. That I can't even make him smile. Did he smile reading the things I wrote? Even a little? Or was he hurt. Or worse, was he angry. If he was, it wasn't my intention. But like I said, my heart doesn't allow me to be anything less than honest when it comes to him.

I've to let go. Even if I was going to continue staying here, let's face it, I'd never be the one who'd make him happy. And now that I'm going to be thousands of kilometres away, that's even more reason to move on. I hope he's lucky with the girl he likes. I hope she thinks that he's special. I hope they make each other smile.

But when's the guy who'll smile because of me going to appear? Because I'm tired of waiting.

what's wrong with me.

2011-08-01T02:02:00.003+08:00

i think i've officially lost it. and this is the kind of thing that i'm supposed to regret only in the morning. great.

2011-07-30T23:16:00.002+08:00

"What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy?"
"I don't know and I don't care."

Blah blah blah.

2011-07-28T18:18:00.007+08:00

Okay. Take a deep breath. Let it go. Countdown: 1 day. Should I feel sad? I feel sad. But I feel detached. Like all this is happening to someone else, and it's that person I'm sad for. I think until I'm packing my stuff and cabbing to the airport and saying my goodbyes and stepping into the flight, none of this will actually sink in. But it's strange. For the past few days, I just look at a random staircase, or a tree, or a clock in the school, and I feel this unexplainable sense of loss. Like I don't know what to do with myself.

The worst part is, I've suddenly grown closer to the people here in the past one month than I have in the rest of my time here. For the first five months, as long as my clique wasn't there, I'd just drift in and out of classes, barely saying a word, barely forcing a laugh. But in the last month alone, I've bonded with so many people. So why now. It's like everything came into place just to fall apart again.

ETA: I finally cracked 3 hours ago. Every teardrop is a waterfall. The weight of too many things hit me at once. Leaving, the fear of not living up to anyone's expectations, the fear of not living up to my own expectations, the fear that I'll be stuck in one place forever, and then the fear that even if I'm not, I won't fit in anywhere.

You know, one of my favourite things in the world is when I see people doing things they're passionate about. When they're completely in their zone. There are two things I love beyond anything else--music and writing. The two things that truly make me happy. But the rest of the world could care less about these things. I'm sick of people putting me down. I'm sick of people thinking I'm joking when I tell them about what I want to be 10 years from now. "Band manager? HAHAHA Janet, you're a riot. Okay seriously though, what's your ambition?" As if being anything other than a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer is unthinkable. Yes, I'm going to fly to the States and join a company like Crush Management. Yes, I'm going to manage bands like Panic! At The Disco (or P!ATD itself :P). I will.

Today was my last CSE lesson. And I don't mean just in PJ. I'm never going to study about China in school again. Which sucks, because I adore CSE. I actually have fun going to lectures and taking notes, and I barely ever zone out (which is a considerable feat for me). Today's lecture was boring though, stuff about politics, so I ended up answering Adelene's questions about India and listening to SK's lame jokes instead. Lol seriously I've never realized how lame the jokes people crack in my class are until recently.

"You know how CCP ruled China? Using a ruler."

"Do you know the ocean joke?"
"Nope."
"Oh, it's too deep for you."

"...much people..."
"It's many, not much."
"No, it's much. You know why? Is there a many in months?"
"What?"
"No, there isn't. But there's January, February, Much."

I can't even. Okay, but I'll admit a few of them are funny hahah, even if it's only because they're so ridiculous.

Anyway, I've been listening to Viva La Vida and Death and All His Friends on repeat the whole day. So many brilliant songs.

Seriously, click play. Then close your eyes and picture the woods glowing under the light of the setting sun. A group of boys in newsboy caps and suspender pants are walking a few feet ahead of you. Follow them. Tread lightly, and hold up the hem of your dress or your trousers if you don't want to trip on the forest floor or get your clothes muddy. Unaware, they're leading you somewhere. There's a clearing. You can hear the steady trickle of water nearby. A stream. By the time you come to it, the boys have already crossed it and disappeared into the trees on the other side. The sun's retired to its quarters for the day. It's just you, the crescent moon and the tranquil woods. Sit near the stream. If you're a bit daring, take off your shoes and dip your feet into the water. At the sound of the crack of a twig, you stiffen, but you let out the breath you've been holding when you realize you've nothing to fear; the person you've been waiting for walks towards you, holding a lantern in one hand and your heart in the other.

Such a magical song. It lets me escape to some place new each and every single time. Sometimes it's the Narnian woods, sometimes it's King Arthur's castle, sometimes it's the underground tunnels in ancient London.

And Lost is a really chilling song, too. Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. YT comment on the MV: "Just because I'm loving, doesn't mean I'm loved." :( If I'm in a better mood, I listen to Strawberry Swing instead. The music is pretty. And duh, Viva La Vida is amazing to sing along to.

But nothing is better than Violet Hill. I know the video is nothing special, but for some reason, it's one of my all time favourites. 2:49 - 2:58 kills me every. Single. Time. Chris Martin looks so heartbreaking in those few seconds. If you love me, won't you let me know.

A lot of weird things have been said to me over the past week ("You look like you just had sex", "India doesn't have basketball, right?", "Omg you can get a pet elephant! Or a pet tiger!"...) but "Hey, you've to remember to invite us to your wedding, okay?" really takes the cake. I ain't having my wedding in India :O I'll get married in a castle in Scotland.

And I'll wear a victorian hat for the wedding photoshoot! Oops, I think unless my fiance is loaded, my cash flow will be negative after my wedding :3

2011-07-27T23:16:00.006+08:00

Guess whatttt. I finally got around to starting on The Importance of Being Earnest. The only work of Oscar Wilde's I haven't read yet. And so far it's amazing :')

I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.

I'm not really a cynic (although I am a masochist). I like the idea of romance. But I don't like commitment. Love isn't the same thing as commitment, I think. I could love someone completely and not want to spend every waking moment with them. Space. I like having space. More space than people would be willing to give me.

Today was damn tiring. My legs are aching even now. Lol I can't play sports for more than 2 hours a day, apparently. And wtf, I can't believe I was watching floorball matches for more than an hour (okay, some of the guys' matches were funny, but still) instead of watching captain's ball! Managed to catch the semi-finals and finals though ^^ Watching them play, I felt like all those captain's ball games in my secondary school were played by 5 year olds. And I was more excited during these matches than I am while watching Man U vs Liverpool matches hahah.

Okay, partly enjoyed it so much because there were a lot of eyecandy playing captain's ball and I could gush about it with Qi. But the funny thing is, I've never actually thought they're hot when I saw them around school. It's them playing a sport so well that's hot. And May Ee, I know what you're thinking as you read this! "Do sports really make their hotness factor shoot up?" HAHA. Uhhhhh, yeah? Like, a lot.

I mean, I do find girls hot, but when they play sports it's just like "meh, whatever". But when guys play sports, it's a whole different matter. Idk why. It brings out...their...masculinity? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm writing this post while I'm half-asleep.

-----------

Life sucks, and then you die. Nothing more to it. I was talking to my dad just now, and he was like "Whoa, you're in a preaching mode today." Hehe. I think I should go become a philosopher. But like my dad said, it would defeat the whole purpose 'cause the people who follow my philosophy will be all "Janet is our god"~ and I'll be like "Great -.-". So I guess no philosophies for me. I'll just stick to becoming a band manager, thanks :D

2011-07-26T21:43:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting here all by myself
Just trying to think of something to do
Trying to think of something, anything
To keep me from thinking of you

But you know it's not working out
'Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind

confused. hurt. angry. sad. nostalgic. all these feelings swimming around inside me. but taking a bus alone at night and sitting at the window seat really does help. and i'm not just talking about the air con. my head feels clearer. but i also feel like i ran a marathon. i need sleep. but guess whose face i see the moment i close my eyes.

it's getting worse. i know it's not healthy. i don't know what's wrong with me. i can't even function properly with him around. but it's okay. just three more days, and he'll be out of my life, for better or for worse.

2011-07-24T11:13:00.003+08:00

If I wake in the morning, I only need two more miracles to be a saint
Everything I promised everyone I'd be, well I just ain't

Lately it seems like everybody's sick, everybody's dying
Build myself a wall of unhappy hearts
And only my heart knows my head is lying, lying

It's only 11:15. I think I just broke my personal record. Usually I wouldn't get up till 12 at least. I'm a night person. With a curfew to follow. Wtaf. Head hurts. Missed calls. No mood to call them back right now. I think I'll go back to sleep now. I was having a nice dream. He was in it.

I'm screwed.

He's beautiful.

2011-07-24T01:45:00.002+08:00

So fucking beautiful. Not the kind of beautiful I can get over or get used to in six months, apparently. Sometimes I feel weird being in the same room as him.

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She run, run, run run
Run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Spell confusion with a K.

2011-07-24T01:14:00.004+08:00

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you
Through it all, I've made my mistakes
I'll stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know, with everything I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
I'll hold onto this moment you know
'Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
That I won't let go

- With Me, Sum 41

Rewatching the Chuck/Blair scene. When they first kiss in the limo. Even after all this time, my heart broke a little when Chuck asked "You're sure?" But back then, when I first watched it, I thought Chuck was being a gentleman. I thought he didn't want to take advantage of Blair. But now, I figure he was just trying to protect himself. Because he was already in love with her at that time, and he didn't want to do anything with her if it'd mean less to her than it did to him. He didn't want to get hurt. That realization makes me love him more. He became a lot more...human in my eyes.

Randomly saw a Dan/Serena scene too. The one where Tell Me A Lie plays, and Serena's eating a strawberry dipped in chocolate. And it's supposed to be seductive. I don't get it. Cherries covered in whipped cream are obviously sexier. And a hundred times tastier too. But maybe I'm biased. Cherry is my favourite fruit :B And god knows how much I love whipped cream.

...okay, that wasn't supposed to sound kinky. Anyway.

This is pretty much what every girl wants to hear from a guy. Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea.

Stuck in a nightmare.

2011-07-22T20:13:00.005+08:00

This morning, Qing and Qi told me they were feeling sad. Asked me if it's okay if they come see me off at the airport. And later on during PW, I told Sam about it. His reaction was basically: "This is a joke, right?" And I would've been happy to go "HAHAHA YEAH YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT?" ...except, it wasn't a joke. They told me they could email me the WR to edit. And then they could open up skype during OP and let me do my part of the presentation over webcam. Which I would've found funny in any other situation, but I could barely force a smile today. People kept going "Bye Janet. Bye," throughout the day. Which is another thing that's supposed to be funny--or not, idk--and it reminded me of why I waited so long to tell everyone. Because things aren't going to be the same. And the only thing I really want is for everyone to act normal this last week, so I can forget all this is happening, even if only for a little while. Maybe that's too much to ask.

May Ee kept telling me that I don't look sad. Which is just as well. I guess I can go get a PhD in faking a smile and convincing myself that I'm happy now. I owe it all to Sojiro Seta. I've gotten through the darkest part of my life without anyone realizing how much I was hurting. There's only one person in the world who can read me perfectly. One person who, even when I'm fooling around and laughing, will keep quiet and later ask me, "What's wrong?" Somehow, she always knows. I'm lucky to have her.

The best--and maybe the worst, too--thing that happened today was Qi giving me a hug. Yeah, we've hugged and touched each other loads of times. Nothing special about a hug. But yesterday...she was almost suffocating me, that's how tightly she held me. I haven't been hugged like that in a long, long time. I didn't even want to let go. It makes me both happy and sad to know that I've friends who love me that much. Sometimes...sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve all this.

2011-07-21T21:21:00.002+08:00

Whoa. Geraldine, XY, Shi Hwee and I went on a treasure hunt today. Except it turned out that there wasn't any treasure for us to find -.- All Mr Ling's fault hahah. Tsk, half an hour of my life gone, just like that. And another half an hour gone while waiting for that ambassadors filming shit. The only good part was that I got to see professional cameras again. I miss being in videography club. I mean, even the time I almost got killed by a light stand, and the time my friends and I lost all our footage, and the time we carried a video camera without tape in it--I'd give anything to go back to those days. When the only thing I was worried about is how I'm going to lug the KWN camera case around yet another day.

Don't like gay marriages? Don't get one. Don't like cigarettes? Don't smoke them. Don't like abortions? Don't get one. Don't like sex? Don't have it. Don't like drugs? Don't do them. Don't like porn? Don't watch it. Don't like alcohol? Don't drink it. Don't like guns? Don't buy one. Don't like your rights taken away? Don't take away someone else's.

Today got me down. But tomorrow is a new day. And I'll do whatever it takes to keep that smile on my face. It won't be for long.

2011-07-20T22:51:00.003+08:00

You know, every single time before I click on "new post", I go and read my previous post. And every single time, I cringe and think to myself...what the fuck was I on last night. But hey, life goes on~

NEON TREES! I want to go :( But no one to go with fml. SK keeps asking me to go to the Paramore concert with him instead. I don't have the heart to tell him that the reason I'm not going isn't because I don't want to, or because I don't have enough $$ or whatever, but because I won't even be in Singapore by the time that concert comes around.

How can this be so amusing and so fucking sexy at the same time, I don't get it. Hahah one of the comments: "God, their lead singer sounds shaggable." Truth. My friends' definition of sexy voice = Jay Sean/Patrick Stump/Some-k-pop-dude-I-can't-be-bothered-to-name's voice. Which is weird because the kind of voice I'd want to hear in bed is Isaac Slade's. Or Lee Dewyze's.

New realization today: rugby balls are actually fun to throw around. I thought they'd be heavy o_O I remember the first time I played rugby, I tackled a lot of people (...okay, so I was a teeny bit competitive even back in primary school) and ended up falling. I tasted grass and mud in my mouth for the next few hours. I don't know what that has got to do with anything.

Lol look at this anti-smoking campaign: "I quit because I want more stamina to play through a whole soccer match." Awww. Proud of this guy.

Noona called me today. We ended up talking about how much it sucks when the person you're in a relationship with likes you way, way more than you like them. And how awkward and helpless you feel when the other person is planning out your whole future and stuff. People my age take relationships too seriously. Or maybe it's just me--maybe it has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with how I'm not mature or ready enough for a serious relationship. A serious relationship = a relationship that is someday expected to end in marriage. When my ex even joked about marriage, I went all quiet and awkward. Idk, I don't like that kind of stuff. I live in the present. C'est la vie!

My friend just posted "Study hard. Suffer now, enjoy later!" Um, okay. But when exactly is later? I'm sick of this education system. Sometimes I wish I was homeschooled. And I could learn about summer soltices and greek gods and psychological disorders and all those other things I spend half my time reading about on wiki anyway.

----------

"You know what it's all about, Nick?"

"What's what all about?"

"It, Nick. What it's all about."

"No."

"The Beatles."

"What about The Beatles?"

"They nailed it."

"Nailed what?"

"Everything."

"What do you mean?"

Dev takes his arm and puts it right against mine, skin to skin, sweat on sweat, touch on touch. Then he glides his hand into mine and intertwines our fingers.

"This," he says. "This is why The Beatles got it."

"I'm afraid I'm not following..."

"Other bands, it's about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But The Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?"

"What?"

"'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. Trust me. I've thought a lot about this."

"'I Wanna Hold Your Hand,'" I repeat.

"And so you are, my friend. So you are."

- Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

--------

You know, the past few days have made me come to this conclusion: Subtlety is a lost art.

2011-07-19T19:33:00.007+08:00

The first time my friends come over in months, and what do they do?

Try to rape me. Don't ask me why I look so happy about it hahah.

-------

The guys in my class are so sweet! They help me buy/carry stuff, they send long text messages, and they're not afraid to say things like "I love you"! Idk maybe that's normal, and it's just that the guys I've met in secondary school are assholes. I mean, it's a miracle if they send a one-word message, let alone a complete sentence. And if I asked the guys in my sec 4 class to help me carry something, they MIGHT do it, but even if they do, they'll do it reluctantly. I know my best guy friend would just ask "don't you have hands?", then eventually help me carry, but say "Aw see, I'm such a nice guy!" ten times after that.

Strangely enough, I miss him and his ego. Mainly because I feel like I'm the most egoistic person I know nowadays, and it sucks. My ego isn't actually that big! Really. Not compared to his, anyway :P

Took almost a minute to get it, but ngl, I cracked up.

Huh. Weird things are happening. I guess I should stop living in my lala land machine and realize that yes, people actually read this blog. Not that I've posted anything I regret about anyone, but. Lol my sister was complaining about something I posted because her friend read it, and I'm like, WHAT, YOUR FRIEND READS MY BLOG? WHY?!?!?!

I can be a bit...frivolous with what I post. And there's shit on here that's not for uptight people. And especially not for kids :O

Fuck, there's a lizard on the wall. I was going to get up to get a sheet of paper but there's a lizard on the wall. And it just stopped there. Shit. Honestly, I'm not scared of anything else. Cockroaches, snakes, whatever, I can handle. Well, okay, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near a flying cockroach, but I wouldn't get a heart attack and die if one touched me, which is much, MUCH more than I can say for lizards D: And omg it's on the ceiling now. Okay if it comes anywhere near where I'm sitting I'm just going to throw my blanket over my head and curl up until it goes away.

You know, in the book Holes, there's a scene (SPOILERS!) where the main character is stuck in a nest of yellow-spotted lizards (which can kill with a bite), but he survives because he ate a lot of onions and the lizards hate onions, so they don't bite him. What I'm trying to say is, if I were in that nest...I'd die of shock and disgust D:

Oops.

2011-07-18T22:58:00.002+08:00

A comment on the new Strokes video: "Holy shit, not sure if any of you are aware of this, but if you all look past Julian Casablancas then there are 4 other guys in this band!"

I'd to bite back a laugh when I read that. I've watched the Strokes' videos only a million times, but I definitely won't recognize any of the other 4 guys if they walked past me on the street. I didn't even know the band had five members lmao. But I guess it's kind of unfair that the other members don't really get noticed even though they contribute as much as Julian does. Except, you know, in the presence part, 'cause Julian singlehandedly takes care of that.

Fuck.

2011-07-18T18:55:00.002+08:00

Great, my friend just told me that her friend in India scored 96% for the national exam...and didn't get into a good uni. Because the cut-off points for top universities are 100%. Yeah. Talk about competition. Now I'm wondering if I'll even get into an average uni. I'm screwed. And it's not like it's easy to catch up either. I mean, yeah, the syllabus for Math and Econs seems easier, but History...whoa, it's like a whole new subject. And obviously with a whole new format.

Why can't I just drop out now and, idk, become a writer or something.

Maybe it's just me, but...

2011-07-17T19:51:00.004+08:00

You know, sometimes you turn the last page of a book, read the last word, take a deep breath, and just stare at the wall in front of you for what seems like hours before you can finally bring yourself to move. I like that feeling. I like all the thoughts that bounce around my head in those moments, where I try to take in everything. I like the way my heart feels heavy. I like the weight of the book in my hands as I grip it hard, trying to make sense of it all.

Pig Island was much, much more than I ever imagined it would be. Yeah, it was disturbing, it was violent, it was creepy, it was twisted, but above all that, even if only for a few pages, it was absolutely beautiful. It's not the kind of thing I can put into words, not unless I'm talking to someone who's already read the book.

The ending fell flat though, for me at least. Maybe because I'm familiar with Stephen King and Chuck Palahniuk and the like, and it didn't really surprise me as much as I hoped. It'd have been so much better if Angeline was behind all the murders. It'd have made sense, too. But who knows, maybe...maybe it crossed Mo Hayder's mind to do that, but she didn't want to create a character so beautiful, so precious, and then destroy her like that. I can relate to that.

------

It didn't sink in until today, I think, that time is running out for me. Ha. I sound like a cancer patient. I guess time is running out for me in this life. That sounds about right. But instead of death, I'll have another life. And I can still talk to people from my old life. Like a ghost.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic. Maybe it's not that complicated.

But what if it is. I'm scared of losing everyone I care about. Ten years. Ten fucking years. That's more than half my life. This is the only childhood I know. This is the only culture, the only language, the only people I'm comfortable with. I'm going back to the place I was born, and as ironic as it sounds--I'm going to feel like I don't belong.

I have to drown myself in my textbooks once I'm there. Not "I'm going to", not "I should", but "I have to". Here, slacking somehow feels okay, like I'm already in a foreign country, what more do I need. But there...I can't even. It's scary. I don't know what to hold on to anymore. Maybe everything will turn out okay. Maybe my life will be a hundred times better than if I stay here.

But it's all just that: maybes.

2011-07-16T23:37:00.002+08:00

I want to know how it feels like to be proud of loving someone. Because everyone I've ever had feelings for either makes me feel insecure, or makes me question myself a million times about why I like them in the first place.

2011-07-15T21:54:00.004+08:00

I only read two blogs. One hasn't been updated since the dawn of time. Okay, that might be a TAD BIT of an exaggeration, but every time I look at the page, I see the same photo again. And the other one's updated a lot, but. His words make me sad. I still feel the same way I did when I first started reading his blog. I just want to give him a hug. A big, long hug. I mean, yeah, maybe May Ee's right, maybe he wants to be a good guy, but he's not. But...it's the thought that counts? :(

Okay I'm just going to post whatever random stuff comes to mind now. Hahah the start of econs lecture today went a little like this:

/Mr Chew starts playing Cee Lo./
/Everyone cheers./
Me: I see you driving round town with the girl I love--
/Mr Chew stops the music./
Me: --and I'm like, fuck you.

Hmm anyway I watched HP7 yesterday! I came home straight after school, and I was planning to use the laptop or study or something, but I felt hella tired, so I decided to take a nap. The movie was at 4.40pm, so I set an alarm for 3.45pm and went to sleep at 3.15pm.

Except guess what? I guess I was so exhausted that my mind wasn't even functioning properly, 'cause it turns out that I set the alarm for 4.45pm instead. So yeah, at 4.20pm I suddenly felt someone jerking me and yelling at me. My sister was finally home and she was pissed. I just washed my face, half-assed combing my hair and left the house. You know when you sleep in one position for a long time, there'll be an imprint on your face? Yeahhhh, I had that. And I was just like, fuck it, anything for Harry Potter.

But I can't believe I'm that tired nowadays. I barely even do anything at school, wtf. I think I haven't been eating enough veggies. Actually, I haven't been eating veggies, period. Outside food 24/7. I think I need vitamin pills or something.

Anyway, let's return to the focus aka HARRY JAMES POTTER. I don't even know where to start. I loved Helena Bonham Carter's acting in the Gringotts scene! Ngl, she's nothing less than perfect. My floodgates opened when Severus said "You have your mother's eyes." But at least I could feel the pain in that scene. When they showed Remus and Fred dead, I was surprised that I didn't really feel anything, until I realized that tears were falling down my cheek D: And well, Snape's memories, need I say more.

I thought they could've done a better job with the Helena Ravenclaw scene though--they should've stuck with the lines in the book for that one. And they should've included Dumbledore's past! Albus/Gellert :(

I did like some of the movie humor they added, ngl. Like when Mcgonagall went "I've always wanted to use that spell." So adorable! :3 And of course, the classic "Not my daughter, you bitch!" scene.

There's a lot more I want to post, but I think I'll stop here for now. Feeling sleepy now. And it's only 10:55 wtf.

2011-07-13T16:13:00.006+08:00

"Velvet lips and the eyes to pull me in,
We both know you'd already win,
Mm your original sin."

2011-07-13T00:00:00.003+08:00

Okay, reading some really interesting stuff on sexisnottheenemy [WARNING: NSFW! CLICK AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION] right now.

Female toplessness is legal in a lot of places in the US (although not where I live), and I’d be meeting the letter of the law with a couple of Band-aids. But I have a gut feeling that if I go anywhere that there are people—and particularly anywhere there are children—nobody’s going to be too happy about my Band-aids. The enforcement is social; women just don’t go around topless in the US.

It bothers me because it’s unequal, but it also bothers me in its implications: that my body is inherently sexual, and a man’s body isn’t. It feels like men are being viewed through the first-person lens of “it’s nice to feel the sun on my skin, and I don’t mean anything by it” and women are being viewed through the distinctly third-person lens of “it’s inappropriate for me, a heterosexual man, to see her sexy parts.” It ignores the experiences of people who are turned on by male chests and somehow manage to contain themselves when they see one.

- an excerpt from here

IASFM. Every single time I pass the basketball court on the way home, I see guys playing shirtless. And every single time I think to myself, "how come they get to take their shirts off? I feel hot and uncomfortable too, but you don't see me taking my shirt off." Don't try to tell me that it's different. It's not. It's sexist, that's what it is. Very often, people try to argue that men are sexual beings with strong desires.

Let me tell you this: I get turned on by a lot of things too. Many times a day, in fact. And so do plenty of other women. So it's not that women aren't sexual beings. Most people are, regardless of gender. So then what's the difference? Women can actually control ourselves, and men can't? Hell, this very argument has been presented to me before, and my only retaliation is this: "Bullshit."

And the worst thing is, a naked body isn't even sexual to begin with, so I don't see what's wrong with just taking a stupid top off. Some people are going to be aroused, some people aren't, that's just the way it is. Hell, when I look at hot guys, I think "whoa, they're hot" even while they're wearing clothes. Sometimes more so when they're wearing clothes. So I don't think clothes--or a lack of--have anything to do with sexual urges.

So if women don't get to take their shirts off, men shouldn't either, end of argument :| Now if only I could find some way to incept this idea into 6 billion minds.

-------

Oh, and one more thing before I FINALLY go:

With any of the Miley Cyrus shit, or any of that Vanessa Hudgens shit — I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am. It’s like, Oh, I’m sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone is an asshole and sold for money. I’m sorry if someone else is a dick. No. You shouldn’t have to apologize. Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one’s angry at that person. She had to apologize. I hate Disney for making her do that. Fuck Disney. Yeah, that was probably a bad move — they own everything. But it’s not right. They take these little girls, and they put them through entertainment school and teach them to sing and dance, and make them wear belly shirts, but they won’t allow them to be their own people. It makes me sick.

- Megan Fox

You know, people always make her out to be some kind of bimbo, but she's not. Just because she's sexy doesn't mean she's stupid. She has a good head on her shoulders, which is a lot more than I can say for most people in the entertainment business.

Don't you hate it when...

2011-07-12T21:45:00.007+08:00

...the person that pops up on your "People you may know" list on facebook is the person that you want to add so badly, and yet you've to control yourself because you're not even on hi-bye terms with them and you know you'll regret it later? Yup.

Oh, everyone should read this. If that girl thinks Singapore's education is all about memorizing, she should come study in India for a while. She'll run back and never complain again. That being said, I agree with her letter for the most part. Especially this:

I have had so many Chemistry and Biology answers marked completely wrong just because I used my own words to express the same idea. ‘Cambridge wants this, so we will give them this’ appears to be the mindset of most of the teachers, who throw us model answers to be memorised. We cannot change the markers at the University of Cambridge, but I am sure you would agree with me that this is not the way to educate youths. Many times, in English, I have been told to follow a certain structure and certain format for even free writing tests. Youths are brimming with creativity and fresh ideas, but we lack that same outlet to express them.

I couldn't have said it any better myself. For every subject that we take, we're expected to learn a new format. Any O Level history and SS students will remember having to use PEEL for their essay-writing. I thought that was bad enough, but in JC it's a lot, lot worse. Not only do we have to use GIST and PEEL, we're also expected to follow the paragraphing that the teachers recommend (and this is just a nicer way of saying that we'll fail if we use any other formats). It's hardly a surprise that even the students who scored well for their O Levels have a hard time adjusting to the subjects in JC--they're being restricted so much.

Sure, we're going to score As next year, but at the expense of what? Our creativity? Our self-expression? Is all that really worth losing just to score well enough to get into a "good" university and a "good" course which will chew us up and spit us out after three years, a point of time at which we won't even realize that we've become nothing more than mindless drones that follow orders?

I can tell you this much: I owe my A1 in English to my secondary 3 and 4 English teacher. True, I was good in English way before that. But I will never forget the amount of freedom she gave me in my free-writing. She was the one who chose to display my essay on procrastination, something that I'm sure no other teacher would've done because that essay crossed many lines. The sort you'd read on the internet and laugh at, but not something you'd submit to a teacher in your school to mark.

Some of the best essays I wrote in those two years were about dark humor, homosexuality, bullying, rape, running away and self-harm. I still have many of them. And the reason they were so amazing was because they were full of raw emotion. I didn't feel like I had to hold anything back because I knew my teacher wouldn't mind reading those, and I knew she'd mark them fairly.

The essay I wrote for my O Level English paper was good, good enough to help me score an A1 (perhaps only borderline, who knows?), but not nearly as fantastic as any of my previous ones, because I'd to limit myself. And that's exactly it. At the end of the day, the important question to ask is: does Singapore want people who perform adequately within their boundaries, or people who perform exceedingly well beyond those boundaries? Are people going to be pushed to their full capacity, or only to the capacity that's required of them?

-------

Watched Transformers 3 today. The action scenes were awesome, but I missed Megan Fox. A lot. Rosie's pretty, but...she's plain. Which reminds me, when I went to the army camp on Friday, I saw a poster of this hung up in one of the bunks:

+1 for army guys. And speaking of army guys...

If all soldiers looked like that, dayum, where do I sign up? In all seriousness, though, the army camp really made me appreciate all those men (and the women) there more. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but the hot weather and all the walking aside, I actually enjoyed going there on Friday. I was so fascinated by the food and the bunks and the equipment. And the guns, holy shit, the guns.

And you know, when I watch movies like Transformers, I feel so glad watching those soldiers. The ones who go "aye" when their general or captain or whatever (could care less about the ranks) asks them whether they want to stay during one of those high risk situations. And sometimes, my mind wanders and I think about joining the army. Fighting for my country. Not just for the exhilaration, but for the pride, for the knowledge that I play a part and that I could save thousands of lives.

But the reality of the matter is that army life is terribly glorified. It's not at all what it seems to be. Armed men are rarely heroes.

This song has reduced me to tears several times, and with good reason. I know soldiers are men just doing their jobs, just following orders. But that doesn't hold them any less responsible for their actions, nor does it make those actions any easier to forgive. "I've been at the mercy of men just following orders...never again." And I've already blogged once about my stand on murder. I don't feel any different about it just because it's committed during war. But I'm not naive, I know how this world works. I know all this bloodshed is never going to end. It's human nature. But the saddest part of all this is...

-------

Okay, I should probably get an early night in. There's a million things that can get me down and make me not want to go to school--but I won't allow bad results to be one of them.

Some things you can't control.

2011-07-11T23:02:00.003+08:00

I feel like such a loser, pining over a guy I'll never get. Pining over a guy who isn't even worth it to begin with. But even today, as much I was trying to focus completely during math and econs, in the back of my mind I kept wondering if he was remembering the same conversations as me. If he had the urge to smile over the same things. If he was looking for my face in the crowd, the same way I always look for his.

here, have a rant.

2011-07-07T18:40:00.002+08:00

I never really thought I was better than anyone. But today I realized that I am better than people who think they're better than everyone. Let's just say there's this guy I know who's always reserved and kind of anti-social, and I initially thought that was because he was shy, but nope. He's just arrogant. I don't care if he has the fucking sun shining out of his ass, what makes him think he's better than anyone else here -.-

Anyway, the oral exam was easy. Which means I can at least pass lol. It kind of sucked that I'd to leave school early though. I wanted to see the stalls :( And I wanted to get henna done dammit. But at least I got to go for the hip hop workshop :D Their playlist was full of korean songs. And Mr Koh was so adorable! He tried to dance too lmao, but he was always a beat too late. And the moves they taught us were so freaking awesome. My ~clique abandoned me though, grr. I love them, but...they're boring!

It's at times like these when I realize how much I miss my secondary school friends. They're childish but mature, hyper but calm, quiet but talkative, sensitive but strong, supportive but firm. Full of contradictions. And I really couldn't ask for more. I guess that's why I was kind of reserved in secondary school--my close friends were already everything I wanted, I didn't really need anyone else. People I've met in JC are different. Their personalities basically revolve around one extreme. If they're friendly, it means they're really friendly. If they're boy crazy, it means they're really boy crazy. And if they're weird, it means they're really weird! Not that any of that is a bad thing. Just that I need to make a lot more friends than I had to in the past.

Man, I want to skip school tomorrow. But I feel so lazy when I think about having to go and get an MC. Plus, okay, I kind of want to see him tomorrow. I can't believe I'm back to crushing on him. For the past month he's done nothing but make me nervous and give me reasons to think that he's a jerk, and then all of a sudden...well. I mean, if he talked to me because he wanted the attention, then GOOD JOB! Because apparently I can't stop thinking about him. I mean, okay, not in an obsessive he's-on-my-mind-every-single-second kind of way, but you know. When I'm alone and I've nothing to think about, he's always the first thing that pops into my mind.

I'm trying to look at this matter in a positive way though. I don't want this to turn into one of those things that hurts me in the end. If we become friends, fine. If we become more than that, well, that's more than I could ask for. And if we go nowhere--I guess that's okay too, because at least he motivates me. I don't know what it is about him, because I've liked guys like him before, guys who mug all the time and are on the soccer team etc, but I've never really cared about those aspects of their personalities? Like, them being in the soccer team FOR EXAMPLE, would just be a fact about them that I'd acknowledge.

But with him, it's different. The fact that he has everything (AHEM. looks are everything~) and he still works hard...it's one of the things I love about him. When I see him training hard, it's inspiring. I mean, come on, would I really improve by 3 minutes for my 2.4km run for no reason? True, I've always cared about what badge I get for napfa, but running has always been my least priority. Okay, yeah, Mr Koh was also partly responsible for the change, but ultimately it's my attitude towards running that mattered, and my attitude changed because of him.

And when he talks about his studies, that's inspiring too. He's the complete opposite of me (aka slacker extraordinaire) and his hardworking side kind of makes me want to shrink into myself and wonder what the hell I've been doing with my life. He's a smart guy. He has ambitions. When people ask me what kind of guy I like, I've never ever gone "oh, a guy with ambitions". And yet, it's exactly what makes him stand out to me so much.

He's a good influence--when it comes to studies and sports, anyway--on his best friend (oh god, this is a whole other story), and I guess he's a good influence on me too. So...I'm going to think of this less as a crush, and more as an inspiration :P I'm only 5% bullshitting, I swear.

the sad part.

2011-07-06T23:01:00.002+08:00

you know that feeling when you're really happy during the day, over the moon, practically, and then night comes and you feel like curling up with your blanket and crying? a friend of mine once told me that the night makes people feel vulnerable. i think she's right. because at night is when you're truly alone with your thoughts, and you've no one to hug you and tell you that it's going to be okay.

sometimes i feel like i'm a leaf floating on a river, just flowing flowing flowing until i get stuck behind a rock and i've to wait for the rain to wash me away. that longing that comes with the knowledge that nothing's in your control for now--it's the worst kind.

i hate it when people are disappointed in me. i'm not as good as you think i am. maybe i seem like it, i don't know. but i'm not. i mean, if you're the one who has this unreal opinion of me and you're the one who sets ridiculously high expectations and i don't live up to those expectations...whose fault is that? from the beginning, i want you to love me for who i am. because i don't put up a facade. i'm pretty much an open book. and if you still manage to have a warped perception of me, there's really not much i can do.

i'm everything and i'm nothing.

attends-moi.

2011-07-05T22:13:00.006+08:00

every time i finally gather up the guts to talk to you, you disappear once again. i'm such a nervous wreck. pressing the "enter" button has never been this hard.

2011-07-04T19:07:00.004+08:00

l'amour est générosité,
l'amour est prodigalité,
l'amour est échange.

l'amour n'est pas un sentiment,
c'est un art.

As it turns out...

2011-07-04T00:25:00.002+08:00

Distractions aren't actually distracting enough. But I did get something good out of my two-day retail therapy. A new bag and two pretty tank tops. Okay yeah, I should've bought a lot more considering the amount of time I spent window shopping, but I'm so picky -.- Also, I ate the tastiest fried rice I've ever had at J8 tonight. Simply mouthwatering. I've photos, but too lazy to take out my handphone cable now hahah. The downsides of having a phone from the stone age. The good thing is, my contract ends this Friday! So I can get my HTC any time after that fuck yeah :D

What comes after August is a mist of uncertainty for me. So at least until then, I'm going to enjoy life. I'm gonna wear whatever I want, meet whoever I want, do whatever I want, eat whatever I want, buy whatever I want and say whatever I want.

I need a distraction.

2011-07-02T11:06:00.003+08:00

Oh such grace, oh such beauty
So precious, suspicious, and charming and vicious
Oh darling, you're a million ways to be cruel

I'm always getting played. It's not that I'm naive, because I know what's going on, but the thing is, I can't help myself. I encourage people even when I shouldn't. And always getting played = always getting hurt in the end. It needs to stop. I can't be weak anymore. Four more years and I'll be out there in the real world dealing with people way worse. I need to grow up.

2011-07-01T23:23:00.002+08:00

Sleep, y u no come to me?

Today was a good day. Woke up at 11 (as usual) and went to TP with Pooh! She showed me around the design school :) Which, btw, beats my JC by miles. I mean, okay, their tables are really old and dirty, but it has this really artsy feel? Because there's a lot of ink and paint on it. Plus the classrooms are all interconnected, so to go to your classroom, you might have to intrude on another lesson lmao. And the third year students get their own cubicles! And there was one teacher who decorated his/her cubicle with a shitload of Darth Vader stuff, including a kickass mask. It was so awesome that Pooh had to literally drag me away from it. And also, I know people my age are talented, but I didn't know they were THAT talented! When I saw all the artwork that was put up...holy shit. I'd actually pay good money for half of them and put them up in my room, that's how good they are.

Anyway, after that we went to the canteen. I went to the western stall, but apparently they didn't have what I ordered first, so I ended up buying a sandwich (hahah I was super nervous okay, I didn't even know where the queue was at first) and a coke. The sandwich was...boring. The ones they sell at the Good News cafe are way better \o/

Then we went to the engineering school because one of the things I'm always hearing about TP is that the engineering guys look super hot in their mechanics overalls (is that what it's called?), and I wanted to see it with my own eyes. So we walked the whole length of the first floor, but no guys in overalls. Buuut we did see this really cute indian guy--he was just dressed in jeans and a baggy TP rawks tee wts, but he was uber cute. And then Pooh told me he's from business school -.- So we're like, great, the one cute guy we see here isn't even from engineering in the first place. So we checked out the floors with labs, because they should be wearing their overalls there, right? Wrong. And by then our feet were covered with blisters (wow wedges, I owe you one) so we decided to go back to the concourse and sit for a while.

And then we went to the business school to get some ice-cream from Cheers, and whoa, when we were leaving? Two hot indian guys walked past us in a row. I mean, I wouldn't just mention seeing a hot guy unless, well, he was really hot. And they were. They looked like fucking bollywood actors. And you know, I barely even find indian guys hot in the first place. For me, this is a completely normal incident because apparently I always see hot guys who I can never actually talk to (which is just as well, I don't think I'll be able to reply even if they talked to me) but in all her months of school, today was the first day Pooh saw them hahah. See, it's all because of me. I'm like a magnet :P

So yeah, mission accomplished. So we decided to go to Chong Pang so she could collect her pay. And we saw that jerk there -.- Ugh seriously, I was hoping I could see one of those other guys that she always talks about, but nope, it had to be him. And yeah, I'll admit, he was cute. I can see why she fell for him :/ But I guess you've to be careful because people with pretty faces don't always have pretty hearts.

Anyway we parted ways there. And just when I was leaving her work place and crossing the road, I heard someone calling out "hey! bye!" and there was no one else on the road besides me so I thought "is he talking to me?" and turned around. Lmao there were two malay guys on a bike grinning at me. Wts! I'm used to this happening in India, but in Singapore? Lol. But Pooh said the guys who work with her/work in shops near her work place all hit on girls a lot, so I'm guessing the area's like that? And I'm like, thanks, the day I'm wearing a skirt without even shaving my legs and trying not to limp because of my blisters is the day I get hit on by cute guys in the middle of the road. I guess some guys are easy to please? -.-

So...my day revolved around guys? But I think everyday revolves around guys for me lmao. That's why my friends call me a bimbo. How insulting. I've never been called a bimbo until I came to JC :( Hahah like...I don't even wear make up! Maybe powder or eyeliner sometimes, and of course my lip balm because I can't live without it, but that's all. And I don't care much about my hair or how much I eat and all that stuff either. I guess I space out a lot though? Meh.

Omg I'm having my tamil A level oral next Thur. God save me. I stammered throughout the school oral, how the fuck am I supposed to even pass this one? Who's brilliant idea was it to include an oral component anyway? Grr. But at least I can totally relax next week. It's just talks, a sing-along session (not english songs though, wtf. chinese/malay/tamil...if they pick really old songs i'm going to cut a bitch), arts fiesta (i don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be but we can wear whatever we want so i guess that's a good thing) and a day where we go...do army stuff? Yeah. I heard we'll go to the shooting range. I hope so, that's actually the only thing I wanna do there.

2011-06-30T23:33:00.004+08:00

If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head? HAHAHA. If I'd a dick, I'd go around using this pick-up line all the time.

Whoa this guy I know really confuses me. When's the last time you saw an ah beng typing in really good english and being...deep? Exactly. Okay I feel kind of bad for stereotyping, but...come on. He's talking about religion. Well, anti-religion. I've a very complicated take on religion myself. I believe in god. But I don't believe in god the way other people believe in god. I probably don't even have the same definition of god as other people. It's like this quote I once read: "I've got nothing against God; it's his fan club that I can't stand." I don't like the way people treat their religion. Well, by people I really just mean Christians, because I don't know much about other religions.

But Christians--Catholics in particular--tend to be hypocrites. They preach one thing and do another. Hell, the fucking priests who tell you that homosexuality and pedophilia is wrong molest altar boys. And the people who go to church pray for forgiveness, and then go home and continue committing the sins that they've always committed. Lying, stealing, adultery...

And to be honest, I don't even agree with the Old Testament to begin with. I can't accept a god who's always angry and hurts the people he created. If god--supposedly better than man--does in fact exist, I'd like to believe that he's forgiving, that he's patient, and that he's above it all (because even men wouldn't hurt their own children). That's why I love Jesus so much, even if only in the way that I'd love a fictional character. He said a very simple thing that people--especially hardcore christians, how ironic--often forget. "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

Don't hate others. And to do that, don't judge others. I wish people would just stop and think about that for a moment. Religions are supposed to teach people how to live their lives the right, proper way. So what's the point of claiming to love god and your religion if you can't even do that much?

I've my own set of beliefs, not governed by a religion, but a set of beliefs that I'd like to strictly follow. Small, simple things like "don't hurt anyone intentionally" and "be your best to everyone". Other people believe in the afterlife, the choice between heaven and hell, or reincarnation. I believe that after I die, there'll be nothing. Zilch. My soul will die with my body. And that's all, I'll be erased from the universe. I've shared this with several people only to get the same reaction every time--a strong denial. I know it's hard to comprehend. Hell, most people wouldn't even want to comprehend it, because what's the point of this life if there's nothing beyond it?

But that's precisely it. I believe that there's nothing beyond this life--and I could be wrong, of course--so I want to make the most of it. I don't want to feel like I've been tainted. To me, drinking or having sex or whatever else is considered wrong by society's standards doesn't taint you, but hurting other people--physically or emotionally--does. So that's the thing that I refrain from the most. And you'll find that just following that one rule will help you follow some of the ten commandments (the ones I think aren't ridiculous, at least), if that's what you want. You won't murder anyone, you won't steal from anyone, you won't lie to anyone, you won't wrongly accuse anyone, all because you don't want to hurt anyone.

Why don't I want to be "tainted"? Because I think when I'm 60+ and alone and dying, I won't be thinking "I wish I hadn't partied so hard. I wish I hadn't sneaked out all those times. I wish I hadn't..." but I will think "I wish all those people I've ever hurt will forgive me. I wish the ones close to me don't ever resent me. I wish the ones who matter to me remember me even when I'm gone." When I'm alone and dying, I'll be burdened with the weight of all my worries and regrets. And at that point in time, I want to feel as light as possible. I want to feel happy. I want to think "yeah, I've had a pretty good life" and I want to die with a smile on my face because, as far as I'm concerned, that's the end for me.

So what I'm trying to say is...I don't know if god really exists and is watching over us from heaven right now, but I do know that god's also in your heart. God is that little voice that tells you to do the right thing even though you always fight against it. God is in your fingertips every time you help someone. That's the god I believe in.

So I guess I'm not catholic. But I'm not a free-thinker, and I'm not an atheist, either. So stop putting me in a box.

2011-06-29T23:06:00.003+08:00

i'm glad he's happy. i'm sad that i can't share that happiness with him, but. he's indirectly happy because of me! hahah. i'm crazy. oops. "OOPS!" did i ever blog about that adorable guy with a really nice accent who worked in my school cafe? he's one of those few genuinely nice types :D he always hummed under his breath and had a skip in his step and wore cute t-shirts! and said stuff like "oops!" hahah! i haven't seen him around since the june holidays ended though. i think he left :(

i think i get affected by people easily. it doesn't take much for a person to put a smile on my face. i guess i'm easily satisfied. or i like to see the good in people. because there's always some good in people, even if it's really really really deep inside.

whoa i feel really high right now. did i mention i'm supposed to be doing my PW. oops. teehee. i want to watch charlieissocoollike videos. and fred! aw fred reminds me of my school's SC president :') well, former president. i was so sad when that council stepped down. i loved seeing fred and abel make announcements during morning assembly. abel's smile is contagious, i swear. and nowwwww announcements are just...bleh. although the current SC does have some perks. some. maybe just one. or maybe not. here i go again.

i want to marry a guy with a scottish accent! i don't care about what his race is or which country he was born or grew up in, whatever, but he has to at least learn to fake the accent before he marries me :P because every single time james mcavoy says "erik" while rolling the "r"...such. a. turn. on. plus scottish accents remind me of lotr-ish kind of stuff. like life's a fantasy~ i remember going to study at starbucks once, and even though i was alone there, i was beyond distracted because of this guy who was talking on his phone at an obnoxiously loud volume. and usually that would piss me off, except he had a scottish accent, and hey, how can i complain about that. i wasn't distracted because it was annoying, i was distracted because i wanted to listen to him speak :3

oh noes! i haz no thermometer for tomorrow. not that i care if i miss a few minutes of my tamil exam lol. if i'd a choice, i wouldn't even go -.- i already screwed up my oral. i got the easiest topic for convo, the one they've been asking since primary school ("is it important to be healthy?" or something like that) and even then, i just kept going "uh...um..." my teacher prompted me only a billion times. even when i figured out points to speak about, i couldn't put them in words o_O or to be more accurate, i thought of them in english, and had trouble translating them into tamil. lol tamil? what tamil? my native language is korean :P korean and tamil words sound basically the same anyway.

okay i've started yawning. i need my beauty sleep!

zip a dee doo dah

2011-06-28T22:33:00.003+08:00

Your faith has got to be greater than your fear.

Julian Casablancas is a ~~really hot~~ brilliant songwriter.

Taking a break from math. Not that I did a lot or anything, shit. I guess I'm just scared to start on econs. I've a bad feeling about the paper--I think I'm going to fail it. I mean, I've an amazing teacher--although he can be a bit scary at times--and now I'm gonna disappoint him again :/ Every single time I walk out of a classroom after an econs lesson, I'll be really tensed and having the worst headache ever. Which is ironic because econs is the only subject that's actually related to the course I want to take in uni. Fml.

Okay, need to get back to work. Already wasted a few hours taking a nap and watching Dong Yi /o\ Um wow, my resistance to temptation is almost non-existent.

Ouch.

2011-06-28T12:21:00.003+08:00

My eyes hurt. I think I should take a nap. I hate naps though. They make me feel all nauseous and sweaty afterwords. But I won't be able to study like this. Oops, I'm procrastinating again.

But history's over fuck yeahhhhh. Just two more papers tomorrow and I'm done \o/ And next week we'll only have lessons on tues and wed, I think. I'll just be absent for tues lol. 'Cause it's a good life, so why y'all tripping, the good life's slipping away...hehe. Okay. Sorry. Jesse McCartney was my first celebrity crush. When I was 12, I'd a dream where I was older and he was there and we were always bickering and one day he kissed me. Lmao why do I've such weird dreams. That's why I keep a dream journal. My dreams are of all genres :O Horror, fantasy, romance, comedy...mostly senseless stuff though.

I've dreamt about Harry Potter a gazillion times, seriously. I'd one where Voldy and Harry wear matrix coats and fight with guns. Another one with Draco Malfoy, d'aw. The third one breaks my heart every single time though. Bellatrix was trying to murder me...except Sirius was helping her :'( SIRIUS. WAE. I've dreamt about Friends a lot of times too. One where I was Chandler and Monica ran away from our wedding wtf. And another one where I made out with Ross, which is super weird and disturbing because Ross is my least favourite Friends character o_O

Whoa wait how did I start talking about dreams? Anyway I think the faster I take a nap and wake up, the faster I can study. Ciao!

2011-06-26T23:36:00.003+08:00

I guess I'm leaving Singapore much earlier than I thought. I feel okay right now, but I don't know what I'm going to do when it finally hits me. Dad said I can drop out of school two weeks earlier before we actually leave, which is probably in mid-August. It kind of makes sense though. We came here in mid-August, 2001. And we're leaving exactly a decade later. Funny how some things fall into place even if you don't plan for them to.

I feel really bad for my dad because he's always worrying about me, whether I'll be okay, whether I can adjust, and I wish for once he'd worry about himself. I've been selfish for too long. I'm letting go.

All this time I've been complaining about Singapore, but hell, this is where I grew up. More than half my life was spent here. And yeah, I hate a lot of things about it, but there's also an infinite number of things that I love and can't ever forget. Starting with the people here.

I'm hitting the sack now. I've to wake up early and study for the exam. Not that it matters if I fail now, but...I plan to put in at least some effort, even if I don't give it my best.

And I know this is stupid, because there's a million things I should be worried or sad about, but one of the things that's bothering me the most is that I won't get to be an OGL :/ I know most people don't really get how much I love camps and mass dances and cheering, or why. I can't explain it either. It's one of the only two things that makes me feel. The other one is moshpits. And, fuck, I won't be seeing those once I leave either. I won't get to see P!ATD ever, I guess. As much as I love them, I think it'd be a miracle if they stay together for another five years. Which kind of sucks, because I was devastated when I found out Ryan and Jon left the band two years ago, since I never got to see them live, and now I might not ever see this P!ATD live, either. Okay, I'm digressing.

But yeah, being an OGL was one of my goals. I mean, okay, a lot of the goals I wrote down were stuff I didn't actually think I could do or didn't really have the drive to do in the first place, but. "Getting the OGL position and being actively involved in the 2012 batch's matriculation/orientation" was the main exception. A huge, whale-dick sized exception. And now I won't ever get to experience it. Lol I'm rambling as if I already got chosen, but I guess if I'd gotten rejected during the interview, at least I'd have known that I tried.

Okay, wait, no, I take that back. It would suck eggs to get rejected and still have to go to school while the orientation camp is going on. It's like having to go to your ex-boyfriend-who-dumped-you-but-you-still-love-very-much's wedding.

Okay, going to sleep. For real this time.

2011-06-24T11:14:00.006+08:00

I'm so proud of myself for finishing two chapters of Math yesterday hahah. It might seem like I'm easily satisfied, but man, if you've known me for the last 10 years, you'll know why this is such a feat :P Buuut the Revision Set A has gotten me down again. I couldn't get past any of the questions without checking the answers a million times. I feel so dumb right now. But hey, at least I've good music for company.

My studying playlist this time round is awesome.

01 Back Stabbin' Betty - Cage the Elephant
02 Love Me (Elvis Presley cover) - Department of Eagles
03 INSANE - Grand Ole Party
04 A Million Ways To Be Cruel - OK Go
05 For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep
06 We'll Live and Die in These Towns - The Enemy
07 Black Balloon - The Kills
08 Sunny Afternoon - The Kinks
09 You Are a Runner and I Am My Father's Son - Wolf Parade
10 Rolling In The Deep - Adele

They're all catchy songs, but they're not distracting. Perfect ^^

Also, Dong Yi is way more amazing than I thought it'd be. The first four episodes were so draggy and boring. I was hoping that the show would pick up once Dong Yi grew up, and it did! Mainly because of Lady Jang and the king. The king is so adorable, I can't. Especially how he doesn't even realize that he likes Dong Yi! And the way he gets so awkward around her all of a sudden, or becomes angry at her because he was so worried for her :3 And Lady Jang is the kind of person I wish I was. Calm and collected, never falters, intelligent, humble, loyal, and she gives credit where it's due. No wait, I think I've got all of those but "humble" down. See, I'm boasting even now :P I must be one of the few people in the world who have such a big ego for absolutely no reason.

Once the exams are over, my top priority is to memorize and execute the rap in the second verse in Hands Up perfectly. Lol what a shitty goal. But see, it's different from learning other raps because there's a break in the middle where Sohee goes "Oppa mideodo dweji, OK?" in that adorable voice of hers, and then Taecyeon continues rapping like a boss. It's my favourite part in the song hahah, I always rewind back to it when I hear it because it's so damn cute.

Okay okay, I should probably go to sleep now and wake up early tomorrow to finally get started on my history. And it's SEA history, bleh. What a great way to start the MYE. I remember the names of the four countries we learnt, but that's about it. And a lot of Phans and weird dutch names. Not to mention a shitload of acronyms O_O BASICALLY, I AM DEAD.

-------------

I didn't want to mention this, but. I've to get it off my chest. I can say I don't like him I don't like him I don't like him like a mantra over and over again, but yesterday, when I got just a glimpse of him, my heart took off like a bullet train, and I'd to call Niki to calm myself down. And I don't want to feel like this because I do like other people, people who're better, and people who I actually have a chance with, and seeing them puts a smile on my face the rest of the day...but my heart doesn't react at all. I wish I could just rip that thing out and throw it somewhere so I could think with my brains for once.

2011-06-23T12:50:00.004+08:00

My current playlist is full of club music. I guess I feel like clubbing hahah. I've been alternating between JLo's On The Floor, Britney's Till The World Ends, 2PM's Hands Up and Electricity, and Travie McCoy's We'll Be Alright.

Okay, the last one isn't club music, but it still makes me feel like dancing.

We are young, we run free
Stay up late, we don't sleep
Got our friends, got the night
We'll be alright

Idk why but it reminds me of Nathan's speech (Misfits S1):

"She's got you thinking this is how you’re supposed to be. It's not. We're young. We’re supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We were designed to party. We owe it to ourselves to party hard. We owe it to each other. This is it. This is our time. So a few of us will overdose, or go mental. Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. That's what it's about - breaking eggs - by eggs, I mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of class As.

If you could see yourselves... We had it all. We have fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful... We're screw-ups. I plan on staying a screw-up until my late twenties, or maybe even my early thirties. And I will shag my own mum before I let her.... or anyone else take that away from me!"

Truer words have never been spoken~ He's such a douche. He's my favourite for a reason. I still can't believe he won't be there in S3 :(

Man, I should be studying right now. I haven't gotten anything done over the past week! Seriously:

Thursday: Went to a restaurant in Serangoon with noona to celebrate her birthday, then went over to her house later.
Friday: Met up with Esther and talked about her trip to France! And, okay, cute French guys.
Weekend: I can't remember what I did, but I'm pretty sure I went out. That or wasted away reading books.
Monday: Studied for a while with Niki, then met the ~gang.
Tuesday: Went to RP to see Shin and Gurwin! Shirmaine, noona and I studied math in the morning, then met the rest for lunch at Subway. Later, Pooh and I made a complete fool of ourselves going crazy, dancing the Hoedown Throwdown, smiling and saying hi to random people, but whatever, it's not like the people in RP will ever see us again :P
Wednesday: Followed Pooh to the blood bank (aw she couldn't donate because she has iron deficiency, and I couldn't donate because my dad doesn't allow me to -.-), then went to Orchard road to shop. For the first time, I really experienced all the chaos during the Great Singapore Sale. I was exhausted within an hour.

So yeah, most unproductive week ever :( And I can still waste time blogging about it. OKAY JANET, TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. But I've to go out for lunch first. But okay, the moment I get back, I'll start studying! And shit, just remembered, I still have to print out my EoM article and submit it by tomorrow. I've to go all the way to school just to put this in her pigeon hole ;_; Huh, I guess I can study there at least.

Oh.

2011-06-18T17:26:00.003+08:00

Fuck. I know I'm naive. I know I'm not the brightest person out there. I know I'm selfish--for wanting to stay in Singapore for another year, for only thinking about myself, for wanting things I'm not sure will make me happy, for wanting you. And I know there's way too much of me to take.

I never wanted to live in a perfect house with a picket fence and a husband who goes for a 9 to 5 job and two kids and a dog. No. When I imagine my future, it's not all sunshines and smiles. I know I'm going down a rough path. But I want this so badly. Just thinking about being a band manager one day is enough to make me smile.

Maybe I'll marry a musician, a guy who doesn't do much other than laze around on the couch and churn out a hit song every two years that's enough for him to survive on. Maybe he won't do the laundry when I ask him to. Maybe he's the type who'll forget my birthday sometimes, and then give me a half-assed apology later. But I'll love him, and it'll be okay. Maybe we'll have two kids, a mama's boy and a girl I can barely control. Maybe we'll have a cat too, a cat that acts like it owns the place. Maybe I'll go to the zoo every Saturday and take care of the snow leopard I've always wanted. Play with the cubs for a while. Maybe my idea of the perfect Friday night would be to come home at 7, cook with my husband and make a mess in the kitchen, plop down on the couch and watch some action movie with the kids, tell them a bedtime story and put them to sleep, and then go back to the living room and talk to him. And yeah, we'll argue all the time, we won't have the perfect house or the perfect car, and we won't be the perfect parents, and we won't ask for the perfect kids, because we'll deal.

So really, I'm not asking for much. I'm not asking to be rich or beautiful or talented. And I'm not asking that for anyone else, either. So why do I feel like I won't even get this much. That feeling in my gut scares me. Like nothing will go according to plan.

-------------------

My dad bought the whole Dong Yi, Three Kingdoms and The Great Queen Seondeok boxsets omg lol. Like father, like daughter? But wts I didn't expect these korean/chinese dramas to be as long as those tamil melodramas on Sun TV. I think it can last us until next year. Unless I watch them like I watched my Goong dvds heh.

beep.

2011-06-15T01:05:00.004+08:00

Let's see, woke up at 11am today, watched WGM cuts of Hyun Joong and Hwangbo, had the Boxmaster at KFC for lunch (transformers fuck yeah!), settled in a corner of the yishun library to read a Spiderman/F4/X-men comic--but not before I battled a group of five year old boys for it; long story--and then came back home and talked to my yobo for the past 2 hours or so. That's what I call a good day :P

Gonna have lunch with her tomorrow for her birthday. I'm off to make a card for her now. I bought a paper with cute alien prints on it last week that I'm pretty sure she'll like :D The perks of finding someone who's practically your other half, you always know what they'll want.

2011-06-11T19:16:00.005+08:00

As if by just touching a computer you are stepping into some dystopic black market with busted neon signs flickering in the rain and cyborg hookers trying to solicit you at every corner (I wish) and you are walking stoically through it all because you're so honorable with your signed honor slip. So the whole thing is this dumb charade of free will, which, I don't really care. It's just that I get sick of signing them every day with a gravelly ballpoint pen so that Mrs. Dandridge can stick them in that red binder and eventually file them under "Who Gives a Shit?" in some cabinet in the sky.

- The Patterns of Paper Monsters by Emma Rathbone

I wish I could write like this one day.

Idk whether it's because of CSE, May Ee, the book Mr Siva lent me, or a little bit of everything, but I'm starting to like stuff related to ancient China heh. Reading Lisa Lee's Peony In Love now ^^ I was looking for Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, actually, 'cause I found out about Nushu a few months ago and it's so freaking pretty!

If it was only around still. If I recall correctly, there's no one who has complete knowledge of the language still alive today :(

Sometimes I wish I was born in China during the Qing dynasty, as a stunning lady with bound feet who becomes the emperor's favourite concubine omg lol. Or in Korea during the Joseon dynasty, as a gisaeng! Maybe I would've been brave enough to be like Non Gae; she led a Japanese general to a cliff, embraced him, then jumped off while still holding him, and sacrificed her life in order to kill him. And sometimes I wish I was born in ancient Greece, as a man so I could pursue the most sought out boy in the city and become his erômenos. Hahah I'm so full of shit.

Hey, who knows, maybe I've gone through all this and now I'm experiencing my 324th reincarnation :D

Edit: Okay, I take back the bound feet part. Just came to the feet-binding part in Peony in Love, and...ugh. I guess for a moment I forgot what I learned from Ties That Bind, Ties That Break in sec 1 lit.

Like a boss.

2011-06-10T20:09:00.000+08:00

Today was the most fun I've had in a while. Met Shin, Nicole and Ben, and we'd lunch at Subway together :D Then watched X-Men again, this time with my slash goggles firmly on. I really can't help it anymore. All that Erik/Charles stuff. And the actual McAvoy/Fassbender interviews didn't help either. You know what they say...you can't spell subtext without buttsex. This will have its own post one day, because my life currently revolves around First Class, apparently. Well, what do you know, I'm more of a geek than I thought.

Anyway, Shin said that James McAvoy isn't attractive! This is the second time someone's said that to me omg :'( I wouldn't care if someone said Brendon fucking Urie isn't attractive, seriously, because that, I can understand, but how can you have watched Wanted and Atonement and thought that he's anything less than flawless?

Look! Look at all that perfection.

Ahem. So as I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, we went to the AMK park after that! I played on the swings for a while, then climbed up that huge rope thing. It was the first time I actually made it to the top, because Ben reached there first, and I was feeling competitive hahah. But getting down scared the shit out of me -.- And then we went to Mac to get a drink, and we started talking about stuff that...well, let's just say we shouldn't have been talking about it in front of a 12 year old. Or a public place for that matter, because creepy guys started giving us creepy looks. And then an old woman started glaring at us too, so we finally decided to get the fuck out.

But overall, it was a good day!

----------------------------------

Her friends don't know.
But her hearts silently breaking.
She laughs so much,
they don't know that shes faking.
Although he doesn't see,
he probably wouldn't care.
She's crying for hours on end.
Because her lifes just not fair.

This is a quote that has 56k+ likes on facebook. Which means there are at least 56k+ people who can relate to it--although at most the amount would number in millions. What I'm trying to say is that...you're not the only one going through a hard time. Everyone has problems. No one's life is fair. I know that when you see a guy or girl who has everything--looks, money, talent, brains--you think life is unfair, but guess what, their life isn't perfect either. You might never know what kind of problems they have--cancer? A broken home? The death of a loved one? Personal struggles? And what makes you think that your problems are worse than the ones they have?

So the least you could do is help other people out. Be there for them when they need you. Don't judge people. Or, AT LEAST, reserve your judgments until you get to know them. And if these things are too hard for you to do, then...smile. What do you've to lose by smiling? Smiling doesn't make problems go away, but it makes it better. It gives people hope. Whenever someone genuinely smiles at me--friend or stranger--it makes me feel like I can get through another day. So...

Edit: blogger can't upload gifs wtaf -.- Maybe I should move to tumblr after all.

sometimes i can't think of a title.

2011-06-09T22:00:00.000+08:00

I was in the middle of typing a comment on my dear LaME's latest post until I realized I've a lot of things to say. So I decided to blog here instead. Let's get the shallower things out of the way first...Aaron Johnson's married?!?! Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. He's 21! And his wife's 44 :O I guess it's a personal preference thing? Idk, I can't imagine being married to a guy who's 23 years younger than me. Then again, a few years ago it wouldn't even cross my mind to date a guy who's younger than me, but now I won't mind if the age gap is like...1 or 2 years? I guess things change as you grow older. For every single thing that I used to think I didn't like in a guy, there'd be one guy who'd come along and not only be an exception, but make me do a complete 360.

I remember thinking that I didn't like guys with long hair.

Then came Legolas.

I remember thinking that I didn't like guys with dreadlocks.

Then came Jack Sparrow.

I remember thinking that I didn't like guys who wore make-up.

>
Then came Ryan Ross.

I remember thinking that I didn't like guys with piercings.

Then came Kenneth Nixon.

Yeah, I'm still only talking about the shallow things. It's easier that way. Anyway, I'm severely digressing. Back to LaME's post...girls at Orchard Road! Yes! When I see those girls all dressed up, I've mixed feelings. I love seeing them, because as we've already established several times, I like looking at pretty things. But I also hate seeing them, because it makes me feel jealous :( But only for a while, because the truth is, it's not like I won't look pretty if I cared to dress up and put on some make-up. What does make me feel insecure, though, is girls who don't do anything and still look stunning.

Like this girl at my school. Her hair's always in this ugly bun, like she didn't even bother. And sometimes, after she's had cca practice or PE, she'll be all sweaty and her hair would be falling out of place (uh duh, that's kind of what any outdoor exercise does to a girl). But the thing is...she still looks gorgeous. Really, when she smiles, I can't take my eyes off her. And I know half of the other girls and guys in my school feel the same way. It's those kind of girls that I envy. The kind of girls who could get out of bed, throw whatever's nearest to them on, and leave the house, just like that, and still look beautiful. And I don't know if you've noticed, but those kind of girls are always the nicest ones. Without a single bad intention. Which makes it hard to do anything but love them.

Anyway, the next part of her post...Knowing that someone's wrong for you doesn't change the way you feel. Ain't that the truth. I saw him today. The first thing that went through my mind was "I'm the happiest girl right now", and I really was, because I was so bummed out when he didn't show up on Tuesday, but here he was, when I wasn't even expecting it. The second thing that I thought was "Shit, my hair's a mess". Seriously. I had this warped idea that the only people I'll be seeing that day was my PW group, so I just threw on something and half-assed combing my hair and went out just like that ;_; Um wow, so that's why they say that you should always dress to impress.

...whoa, not that he'd even care about all that. I think he recognized me, but the key word here is "think". I doubt he even knows my name. How the fuck do you care so much about someone who might not even know your name?

I've rambled enough about him. I think I'll talk about PW instead. PW meetings are getting more and more fun ^^ I took a few bites of the tastiest cheesecake ever. And drank 3 different types of coffee. A hot mocha, some kind of frappucino, and a latte! It reminded me of why lattes are my default order :D My stomach felt all weird after that though. Qi and I got to fangirl about First Class (which reminds me--I'm watching it again tomorrow with Shin, Nicole, Ben and Angel! :D So excited omg. Partly because I haven't seen them in a long time, but mostly because I want to watch X-Men again muahaha). Oh, and right before leaving, we saw a Kibum look-alike at the pasar malam! Yeah, the original Kim Kibum :P

Teehee. LaME just told me that my blog is sad. Huh, I guess so. But all that sadness has to go somewhere. That's why I can smile all the time in real life. Not because I'm not sad at all, but because I've gotten rid of it. Or maybe that's not the right expression to use. More like...I've tucked it away here. I don't want people to read this and think I'm some depressed psycho who cuts herself, though. Seriously guys, this is probably the only outlet where I can be sad, so I tuck away all my sadness here. But that sadness makes up only 17.4243333% of me, I promise.

Ottoke.

2011-06-08T23:09:00.000+08:00

I want to talk to him. Badly. There's an ache in my finger tips, and it's only a matter of time before I find myself at his formspring page again, the cursor hovering hesitantly over the "ask" button. But I've to stop. It's the worst way to talk to someone, just like he said. But what I said was true, too. If I could talk to him in school...god.

Should I try? Isn't that how people make friends? They just go over and talk to the person that they want to. I haven't been the first to approach anyone in what feels like forever, though. I wouldn't even know what to say. I'll just see his face and become tongue-tied. Every word I've wanted to say to him will just slip through my grasp in that moment.

And besides, I don't know how to reach a point of intimacy. I have a million things to say to someone once we've cleared the "hi-bye" friendship stage, but until then, I'm kind of shit at conversations, and being touchy-feely, and cracking the jokes that I usually would...I'm kind of shit at being myself, basically.

Sometimes I wonder why I think about him so much. Is it because I've nothing else to think of? Like he's something that could fill all these black holes in my mind. Or maybe, just maybe it's because he makes me feel the way I feel. Whatever, I can't handle real life relationships. I'm going to go back to reading Carrie.

2011-06-08T22:37:00.000+08:00

Reading Stephen King's Carrie. It's the first time in a long time that I sat and read hours at a stretch just to finish a book. About 10 pages left to go, but. I think I need a break, because the story makes me too sad and frustrated.

SPOILERS, and don't say I didn't warn you, but...you know that scene where Carrie's covered in blood and everyone laughs at her? Well, when I was in primary school, there was a time when we were all saying the pledge during morning assembly, and all of a sudden, there was a loud groan from a boy in another class. The whole parade square went quiet. And then strangely, the people who were near him started to laugh. So I leaned over for a better look, and...I saw the boy having a seizure. He was shaking violently. But almost everyone in the parade square--including the teachers--were laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. I don't know whether it was hysteric laughter or whether they really did find it funny. Either way, I remember feeling sick to the stomach.

And that's exactly how I felt while reading half of this book. Also, Tommy is so fucking sweet ♥ Sue kind of is, too. I know she is a little selfish, and she shouldn't have joined in with the rest of them, but...she's the better person for trying to fix things. As for Carrie...I can't blame anyone but her batshit crazy mum. If anything, I feel sorry for her.

ON A MUCH HAPPIER NOTE, I saw kites flying outside just now. Those kites that have LED lights on them. They're so pretty! They look like floating stars. One night, I want to lie down on the grass with the people I love and...fly kites. I know a lot of people find kites boring, but if anything, I think they're calming :)

Also, just heard What Are Words on the radio. 'Cause what kind of guy who I be, if I was to leave when you need me most?" He shows me that love exists. And it's as beautiful as a million kites with lights aligned together on a starless night.

I might like boys, but...

2011-06-06T20:07:00.000+08:00

I lovelovelove looking at photographs of girls. I love their carefree laughs and their knowing winks. Their half-moon eyes, their long silky, wavy hair, their perfect teeth, their thin pink lips, and their dimples. They stand there in their pretty sundresses, their arms swinging about without a care in the world. Sometimes they wear their sleek designer clothes and sunglasses, one hand busy with their blackberries, the other around their equally glamorous best friend.

I like looking at pictures of sad girls, too. Their hair falling into their eyes, hands in their pockets, looking like they've got nowhere to go. Girls who wear eyeliner to hide their eyes, with their disheveled hair and oversized tees and denim shorts. Girls who are, for some reason, always staring at something beyond the camera, like they know something that no one else does.

And more than anything, I like dorky, adorable girls. Girls who wear hoodies with kitten ears, and paint their nails yellow with black stripes, like a bumblebee. Girls who smile up at the camera innocently. Girls who wear long striped socks, and aren't afraid to make funny faces. Girls who, if you know them long enough, you'll inevitably fall for.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not a lesbian.

Something about love.

2011-06-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

Did you know that in Japan there are 3 ways to say "I love you"? You say "Daisuki" for friends and guys you like, you say "Aishiteru" for a more serious relationship and you say "Koishiteru" to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And they follow this rule. That is one of the things I admire about them. They didn't make "I love you" lose its meaning like us. - From a friend's tumblr.

Reading that made me sad, because it's true. That's why I try not to use the word "love" when I talk about boys. Because, yeah, I talk about boys a lot, but really, it only ever ranges from eyecandy to crushes. Nothing less, nothing more. I wish I could use the word "love" when I talked about a guy, god knows how much I want to, but I guess that's the kind of thing that I can't force. It should just...happen.

I realize that there are millions of people in the world who would never understand the beauty of this word. I'll admit, they're right in their own way--a word only means as much as you want it to mean. I use the words "fuck" and "bitch" freely because, as far as I'm concerned, they're just forms of exclamation--sometimes even terms of endearment--not a way to curse someone (well...mostly, anyway). I suppose people use the word "love" freely, too, because they don't know any other word to describe the affection they have for someone.

Despite understanding that, I still use the word "love" sparingly, because I want it to be special when I say it. I want it to be one of those things that confuse me a hundred times--should I say it, do I really feel that way, will it scare him away. If I decide to say it a few times, I want to back out of it ten times as much as that.

I don't deny that I use the word "love" several times when it comes to my friends, but even then, I only use it when I'm talking about or to my closest friends. Love. It sounds so innocent, and yet so intimate. Some people say sex is a form of commitment, but let's face it, sex is never just "making love" these days. I won't say using the word "love" is a form of commitment either, because the word "commitment" illustrates taking responsibility for something, and that just makes it sound like a chore. No, using the word "love" is above a form of commitment--it's a confession, a secret, an exclamation, but quite possibly the best exclamation you can make to the world.

Imagine being weighed down your whole life, and then meeting someone who makes you want to scream into the night, and write their name in the sky. When you tell them you love them, it's like the weight is lifted off the both of you, and you can finally lift your wings and fly and do everything that you wanted for him/her. At least, that's what I believe happens. But what do I know, I've never been in love.

Which is another sad thing I want to discuss. A lot of people fall in love with the ones that make them feel special, but I always fall for the people who I want to make feel special, which is a very dangerous thing to do. I think I'm a romantic. I also think I should have been born a boy. If I were a boy, I think...I think a lot of people could love me. I'd be the type you read about in stories--I'd awkwardly serenade you with your favourite song on the school bleachers, I'd write you little love notes and leave them wherever I can, I'd lie down beside you on a cold starry night and look at the sky with you. I'd tell you you're nothing less than beautiful in my eyes. Maybe I wouldn't catch a grenade for you, but hey, I'm no Bruno Mars.

All these things that I want to do...I've to hold myself back from, because society doesn't accept a girl who woos guys. And guys either don't feel comfortable with that kind of attention from a girl because it undermines their manliness, or are simply not interested, because they like to be the ones doing the chasing. But that's the thing, really. I don't want to chase anyone; I want to do all these things because I like you. No ulterior motives. I just simply want to make you feel special, because you are special, to me.

I guess I won't be happy initially if I can't have you, but if I could somehow make you happy--well, then that's all that takes to make me happy. But I'm not the girl who makes people happy by being just the way I am, and as mentioned above, I can't be the girl who makes people happy by doing things for them, either. I will never be the girl who makes people happy.

I will never get to be the girl that's happy.

boyfriend~

2011-06-05T11:57:00.000+08:00

Whoever choreographed this is brilliant. Easily one of the best I've seen, especially considering that it's a kpop group (basically a group that takes turns to sing while the rest dance). Other groups usually have people stepping out of line and singing, then stepping back into the line, and that's about it. But this, this, holy shit. If it wasn't so sickeningly cute, I'd love it a lot more.

They should release something similar to Infinite's Before The Dawn, I'd love to see the choreography for that. And yeah, in my mind, they're like Infinite v.2 because their dance moves are so clean and in sync--almost as much as Infinite's. Almost.

101st post, yo.

2011-06-05T01:22:00.000+08:00

Changed my blogskin after a super long time. It's so...bright. I love it, but somehow I feel like my posts don't fit in, because they're so sad, and they'd look better on an equally sad plain white background. But who knows, maybe this will motivate me to post happy, crazy shit from now on :D

Guess what! I went to the dentist today, to get some SCALING AND POLISHING done (hahah sounds so cheem even though it just means I'mma clean my teeth) and ended up getting my baby tooth pulled out. The dentist was just like "yo, your baby tooth is in the way of your adult tooth so i'mma remove it without telling you first" WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID. Okay, so I'm just bitter because I'm 16 and there's a hole in my mouth where my tooth should be, and it ain't cute. Looks like someone punched my tooth out, maybe.

Anywayyyyy after that I went to meet Qi, Juan, Kelicia and her boyfriend for PW! I've to say...it was the most productive PW meeting I've ever had. I think Kelicia's bf is freaking smart; once he explains stuff, it's like everything suddenly becomes clear. And he made us realize that all along, we've been making the project harder for ourselves :O So Qi and I decided that the moral of the story is to get a smart boyfriend! Ta-da.

AFTER THAT came the best part of my day--watching X-Men: First Class, but that's a whole different thing and as far as I'm concerned, the movie warrants its own post, so I'll blog about it tomorrow :D

i think...

2011-06-02T20:14:00.001+08:00

i think too much.

ANYWAY YAY I'M GONNA MEET P6 KIDS TOMORROW! so excited :D i hope they're those "ooh that looks fun, i wanna try!" kind hahah. not snobs. you know, those kids who're in a hurry to grow up and act like they're so mature all the time? like, screw you, i'm 16 and yes, i think it's fun to climb inside one of those covered playgrounds and pretend i'm in a kickass spy movie...so why can't you?

in other news...i finally bought a basketball! hell yeah. so i'm gonna go down now, and if the court's free, i can brush up on my skillz yo. my long lost skillz from pri school ;_; i should never have stopped playing sports after primary school, worst decision of my life. i mean, okay, it wasn't exactly my choice...apparently all the friends i had since then just weren't sports-inclined. i remember being depressed throughout my sec 1 year 'cause none of the girls i knew wanted to play soccer during recess. but by sec 4, all i did during PE was sit down and talk to my friends about final destination lmao. i don't even know how i've managed to keep my silver streak for napfa all these years o_O

ya bitch

2011-05-31T17:18:00.001+08:00

mannn i need to buy make-up. just the basic stuff. foundation, maybe concealer, eyeshadow, and eyeliner? yeahhhh. i already have my favourite lip balm :3 hm. really craving coke right now. my mouth tastes all bitter, like i just took a nap. but i didn't. huh.

cse went splendidly! i should've studied confucianism more, man. i kind of smoked my way through, since i read the articles. idk if i'll pass that first essay though. on the bright side, i'm confident about the second one, fuck yeah :D

need to get a basketball soon. no use living near a basketball court and never using it :O plus i could use the exercise! i'll try to stop being a lazy fuck these holidays and go for a jog everyday or something. but first, i guess i need to stop being a lazy fuck around the house and start folding my clothes -.- ciao!

GUESS WHAT.

2011-05-30T22:03:00.000+08:00

i don't feel sad anymore. huh. it happened right after watching kenshin rurouni. huh, idk how that works, but hey, i'll take it.

and besides, i've worse things to worry about. like the fact that i completely forgot that my EOM is due tomorrow until just now! oops. and everyone knows how much i love my sleep. fuck this shiiiiit. i think i'll wake up early and chiong tomorrow. good night world :*

i give up.

2011-05-30T17:23:00.000+08:00

because this isn't good for both of us. i thought maybe i could make you happy, but you're not, not even close, and worse, you took my happiness with you, too. if you're going to steal, at least don't steal something you'd never use.

i'm supposed to be studying for my h1 exam. fuck. if you distract me this much when you're out of sight, imagine how much you're going to distract me tomorrow?

i'm trying.

2011-05-30T10:15:00.000+08:00

so don't make me feel stupid. don't make me feel like i don't matter. don't make me feel like i'm not needed.

because it'll make me want to stop trying. and it'll hurt too much if anyone ever asks me one day, "so if you love him, why'd you let him go?"

what's cuter...

2011-05-29T22:54:00.000+08:00

than your crush? it's your crush carrying a baby.

tired.

2011-05-26T17:02:00.000+08:00

I may look happy, but honestly dear, the only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear.

it's 5pm and i'm so fucking sleepy. dragged wan qi to have lunch at mac with me 'cause i was starving, and now that i'm home, all i want to do is close my eyes, and drift off. except i've my gp paper tomorrow /o\

the words left out.

2011-05-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

~~I need sleep.~~

I need peaceful sleep.

why.

2011-05-24T21:38:00.000+08:00

i always fall for the guys who're fucked up. there's something alluring about them. and i feel this need to fix them. i know it's not my problem, but when i see them, i see something beautiful, and i want to make them happy. is that wrong? to want to make people happy? is it wrong to be selfless? and every time this happens, the worst part is, i'm the one who ends up hurting.

at the end of the day, i guess the joke's on me. 'cause i'm going to be more fucked up than all of them put together.

The past.

2011-05-23T22:41:00.001+08:00

There used to be a point of time where there was so much more to my life than...well, whatever there is to it now. I miss that.

JC's fun. But it feels...empty. Not that I regret it; if not for PJ, I wouldn't have met the three people who're very special to me right now :3 I guess I've always been so obsessed with what could have been that I never really payed attention to what is. I need to get my head back in the present.

2011-05-22T16:51:00.000+08:00

i know it's not your fault, but you're breaking my heart.

i don't want to be stuck with this mood where i'll break down and cry any moment. your words are still running through my mind. you're like a character out of an angst-ridden book, and i love that. but for the first time in a long time, i feel vulnerable. because i'm going to go to school tomorrow, and i'm going to see you, really see you, for the first time, and i'm not going to know what to do with myself.

dear sb,

2011-05-21T21:22:00.000+08:00

i'm janet.

you know how i look.

i'm at a house. i guess it's my house, but it's not my home.

on weekends...i like reading. writing. singing. eating. laughing. falling in love.

i hate the sun when it burns, but i love it when it smiles at me.

rainy weather is nice too, if i can curl up in an armchair and read a book about pretty things. sometimes i want to go out and play in it. sometimes, i wish there was someone to kiss me in the rain. sometimes, i wish it was you.

i like all kinds of music. rock, pop, rap, metal, classical. i'm somewhat of a pretentious douche when it comes to music though. lyrics, in particular. let's just say i don't like bieber. i like lyrics that move me. sometimes it's something simple, like "you've got everything going for you, so i'll go for you with everything i've got", other times it's deeper, like "your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe / there's people always dying trying to keep them alive".

yeah, reading is an essential part of me. as is writing. i don't think i can live without these two things. i don't always feel like like i fit in, wherever i am, whoever i'm with. i know i'm taking the easy out, escaping into a world where i'm invisible, where i can pretend i do belong. but books are the only things that make me feel. and i need that. if i didn't have that, i'd slip away.

and if i didn't have that, if i didn't read, i'd never have known how beautiful you are. i don't know if i'm in your future. i don't know if i'm the one that you want. but thanks for being the one that i want.

Please just stop.

2011-04-16T17:47:00.000+08:00

Look, yes, I like you, but for the sole reason that I can't really help who I'm attracted to. And if you found out, and you're not interested in me, then the least you could do was be indifferent about it. It's not like I asked you out or confessed to you. I added you on facebook; get over it.

God knows I've met enough jerks in my life. Hanging around and trying to get my attention, or trying to make me jealous...really? And it's not even because you like me, but because you like the fact that I like you? Bitch please. This is one game I really don't have the mood to play.

We've never even had a fucking conversation before, so it's not that hard to just ignore me like I'm trying to ignore you. Fuck, I can't. As if school isn't hard enough without having to deal with assholes like you.

2011-02-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

Over the past year, I've realized that I've somehow lost my ability to communicate with other people. And I don't know when exactly this happened, but it's been so long that I don't know how to change myself. It got to the point where all I wanted was to push people away, and now even when I try to let them in, they don't want that anymore.

The world feels so lonely all of a sudden.

2011-01-20T10:00:00.000+08:00

The thing with Joo Won is...every time he opens his mouth, I feel like maybe this time, I can finally start to hate him, because he sounds like a complete jerk. But by the time he finishes speaking, he's said something that's so utterly romantic without being a cliche, that it makes me melt all over again.

craycray.

2011-01-19T23:10:00.000+08:00

so i just finished watching nobuta wa produce a few days ago, and now i'm watching ep 11 of secret garden. i get so attached to fictional characters, i can't even. akira, nobuta, mariko, joo won, oska, tae sun, seul.

as if that's not enough, yamapi's decided to permanently camp inside my mind. you gq mf, why did i have to set my eyes on you.

never-ending.

2010-11-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

I'm reading my old blog posts right now--like, from 2 years ago, in another url. And honestly? I'm embarrassed. By my younger self. And when I see this blog, maybe 2 or 3 years later, I'm going to be embarrassed once again. Ha.

Anyway, Mary Stayed Out All Night is all kinds of awesome. The story is stupid, I'll say, but Jang Geun Suk is beyond hot here, whoa. I just want a guy like that, plz & ty.

Talking about guys, I really. Idk. I really miss dating. I don't know when was the last time someone asked me out. But things like this happened back then, even though I don't even remember this happening, so I guess...wait. What. So guys liked my younger (see: more embarrassing) self more? Ugh my life /o\

Revelation?

2010-11-21T08:08:00.000+08:00

See, I was watching Harry Potter and thinking about friendships and all that shit, and I just thought. Well. You know, I do think that Remus and Sirius are very good friends, I mean. I ship them, for fuck's sake. But I just thought that, well, if James had been in Remus' place, he'd never even have doubted Sirius. He'd never have believed that his best friend was a murderer. He wouldn't have allowed him to go to Azkaban.

What I'm trying to say is that. I don't know, really. I guess I want to experience a friendship like the one that James and Sirius have, because I already have the ones that Remus and Sirius have, and it's. I mean, it's amazing, of course, and like I said, I do ship them, but James and Sirius, hell, they're like brothers, and that's the kind of thing some people can go their whole lives without experiencing, and I don't want to be one of them.

Am I even making sense? I'm dimly aware that I'm rambling, but that's about it. Maybe I should make breakfast, hm.

AVPM = BEST MUSICAL EVER MADE.

2010-11-19T13:39:00.000+08:00

Harry: Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?
Dumbledore: Because I love him!

Hellllo.

2010-11-18T10:33:00.000+08:00

reading flowers in the attic rn. it's a sad, beautiful story, if you're the kind of person who can keep your judgemental self shut away for a while. there's a line from it that i want to share, though.

"to believe in god is a good thing, a right thing. but when you reinforce your belief with words you take from the old testament that you seek out, and interpret it in ways that suit your needs best, that is hypocrisy."

this pretty much sums up how i feel about my religion, to be honest. not saying that all christians are like that, but.

life is unfair.

2010-09-07T23:02:00.000+08:00

because i've fallen in and out of love so many times over the past few years, to the point where it hurts somewhere deep inside. sometimes, i look at him/him/him and i feel happy to the extent where my chest can't contain it. other times i just want to break down and cry.

maybe it wouldn't be as hard if i actually knew these people. maybe i wouldn't feel so lost and confused if i saw them on a daily basis (or at all). falling for strangers, is that fair? and the worst part isn't that i won't ever see them, or that i'll never get to be with them because they'll never return my feelings.

whatever, that doesn't really matter to me. but i want them to at least know how important they are to certain people, how many ups and downs they've put us through and how much they've changed the way we think, the way we act, and our lives, even.

i know it's stupid. i know it's ridiculous for me to even call this love (we haven't even met), but if it isn't love, then tell me why it hurts so much. tell me why i feel like i'd do anything for him this very moment.

tell me why i don't have feelings for the people i do see everyday. would life be easier then? i don't know.

Listening to: Over The Rainbow (Rock Ver.) - The TRAX

2010-08-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

As a writer, I think the best compliment isn't getting a lot of comments on a fic, but rather, it's having a deep enough impression on readers that they feel the need to search for my fic long after they read it.

...which happened on the gabilliam fic community omg :')

Watching: King Of Baking

2010-08-20T16:57:00.000+08:00

God, Tak Goo's dad's wife is so fucking annoying. Punk ass bitch has an affair, and then accuses her husband of having an affair and gets all worked up. Hypocrite.

I know it's just a show, but gosh. It's disgusting that these things happen in real life. These women make me ashamed to be one. I know things aren't black and white, and not all people having affairs are bad people. Just people who make bad choices. But at least they feel guilty about it.

Scrap 01.

2010-07-25T21:11:00.000+08:00

Look what I found. Written on a notebook a few months ago:

Go to Popular and buy:
More pens!!
A shitload of construction paper.
A foolscap pad so you don't annoy the shit out of everyone sitting near you.
The ability to write straight on plain paper.

And then, on the next page:

List of things I did today:
- Woke up at 10am.
- Brushed my teeth. Didn't shower.
- Watched Aladdin and the King of Thieves while having breakfast.
- Watched Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past (an utter waste of 1 and a 1/2 hours of my time).
- Used the laptop.
- Had lunch.
- Read first part of Speak.
- Watched 9.
- Finished Speak. Ah-may-zing. Slightly depressing.
- Drinking coke and writing this atm.
- Will probably do half my homework later if I find out what it is.

Conclusion: Janet is a lazyass, a couch potato, an intellect, and smells bad.

Kudos, past self. You haven't changed.

Aw man.

2010-07-21T14:08:00.000+08:00

The Jap are always stealing my ideas. First the blood group discrimination story, and now noodle sandwiches! Will it never end? D:

I must say, though, nothing comes close to a ham sandwich with curry noodles in it.

Shock of my life.

2010-07-14T18:37:00.000+08:00

"I love him."

I'd to pause the video and fangirl here because, omg, just a second before that I was laughing my ass off at what Ichiyo said, but then Amakami says he really does love Kairu. And just for the record, I ship Ichiyo and Riku :3 Riku's a sweetheart beneath all that ~bad boy attitude.

Watching: Boys Love

2010-07-14T17:21:00.001+08:00

Amakami is love. I'm in a much better mood now :3