"Right then, in that office, with the realization that no one knew the truth about my life, my thoughts about the world were shaken."

I was re-reading Thirteen Reasons Why when this quote made me stop and have to catch myself for a moment. Because I've gone through that before. And I think everyone more or less goes through that. But even if I were given the chance to spill my whole autobiography to someone, I doubt I would. I know they'd never quite look at me the same way after that.

But at the same time, there are many people I've barely brushed shoulders with in my life that I've heard things about from other people, or whose lives I've read about in bits and pieces from their blogs, and I wish I could've had the chance to get to know them better. So I guess you'll never know who're the people who'll stay after hearing the truth about your whole life. Maybe sometimes, we should just take chances and see where it leads us.

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I've noticed, people, they all have motives
Different, yet all the same
I fumble through every word that was spoken
and I barely knew your name
I'm tongue-tied, it runs through my blood and my insides
Some things we can't escape

Your eyes wide, always ahead of the curve type
Quiet, and confident
You stood there, awkward and youthful, we tangled
A piece of my soul escaped

I fell for you when I thought you were ordinary. And then it was too late to try and keep my feet grounded by the time I realized that you were anything but.

I saw you as someone who's cute, but people told me you were drop dead gorgeous, like a model. Like you didn't belong with the rest of us. I saw you as someone who's athletic. But you proved to be so much more than just a guy on a team. I saw you as someone who's weird and dorky, but people told me you were calm and collected. And it didn't take me long before I began to see you in a new light, a light that others shined on you. Or perhaps it was a light that had been there all along, and I'd just been too blind to notice it. I'm sorry for not seeing you the way I should have seen you, right from the start. It's fucked up that I have to apologize for my own perception. But this is the least of the things I have to apologize for when it comes to you. Don't get me wrong here, you're not the one I'm apologizing to. I'm apologizing to myself. Because I set myself up for the fall.

But know that I've never blamed you for anything, even once. You were nothing short of perfect, even in the midst of all your imperfections, right up to the very last moment. Graceful, even as you let me down. And for that, I guess I should say thank you.

I guess. I can only guess, because I still think about what might have happened if you'd reacted just a bit differently. Maybe it would've disappointed me in that moment, but it would've been easier to get over you. But I don't blame you. I'll be damned if I blame you for being yourself.

Do you have the slightest clue how eloquent your words are and how inferior they make me feel? As if you didn't already make me feel like I can never compare when it comes to everything else. In all honesty, I don't even know where I'm going with all this. I'm just going where my memories of you are taking me. Maybe my memories with you are far and few in between, but never doubt that I've more memories than I can countof you, enough to haunt me through the night.

You know, I've told many of my friends that "the best way to get over a person is to fall for someone else." Splendid advice that turned out to be. I'm slowly finding out that it's a lot easier said than done. How do you fall for someone new when there's no space left for them in your head (and your heart)?

Do you have the slightest clue how you make me feel? I tried to tell you. I tried to put it into words. But as I read everything I sent you, I realize those three tiny paragraphs can't possibly contain how I feel. I guess I didn't try hard enough. Because until now, the words keep coming and they refuse to leave me alone. Sometimes I think if I get rid of them, I'll finally have my peace of mind. But it's not that easy. It just doesn't work that way. I told May Ee she was a hypocrite for never following what she wrote on her blog.

Now who's the hypocrite for writing about him in paragraphs when she said she won't ever post about him again? Lesson learned. I won't make promises I can't keep. In my defence, I never thought you'd stay on my mind for this long. Until now, I've only ever experienced feelings that fade. But this one's only getting stronger as time goes by. And it scares me. There are a million other things I need to focus on, but nothing seems more important than you.

I guess I've never fallen this hard before. At the beginning, you were just part of my going-through-the-motions routine. Go to a new school, make new friends, find new interests, find a new crush. Something to keep me pre-occupied. Something to make me smile every now and then. That's all it was. Was. In the past. Somewhere along the way, I began to genuinely like you. When I looked at you, the smile that tugged at the edge of my lips? I could feel it all the in my fingertips. And that's how I knew. And then I started hearing things. I, of all people, know better than to believe the things I hear. But you've to understand, by this time, I realized you'd never be mine, and I needed an excuse to let go. So I willed myself to stop looking your way. I started noticing another guy. And for a while, a few weeks or so, was it, I really did like him (I suppose he's on my list of people I wish I'd gotten the chance to know. And for the record, even now, I do care about him, even though it's not in the same way that I care about you. I want him to be okay, and to find peple who'll accept him for who he is). I allowed myself to be distracted by him the way Mayee allowed herself to be distracted by Pink.

But you pulled me back. As if you knew. As if you knew my attention had shifted. As if you wanted it back on you. You, who'd never even acknowledged my existence up until then--you talked to me. For no particular reason (as far as I know). And as pathetic as it sounds, that alone made me a million shades of happy.

I've never had a first kiss, I'll admit (fuck, I'm seventeen and I've never been kissed, and this post alone should be enough reason why), but I've done everything there is to do leading up to that moment: flirting, late night texting, hinting at my feelings, talking on the phone for hours, going on dates, hand-holding...whatever. But you need to know that none of that made me as happy as you did that night. By just saying hi. By just talking to me for a few minutes.

All I really need from you is the truth. Did you have any idea how much you confused the shit out of me? Were you even aware that you were doing it? I know what you told me. But I want to know what was going on in your head every time you messed with mine. Mind-reading is the one power I've always said that I'll never want, because it's too intrusive, too scary. I'd rather not know. But if there's such a thing as selective mind-reading, then please, I could use something like that now, because I can't separate my thoughts and dreams from reality anymore.

I'm never shy around people, let alone unable to meet their eyes. I only like guys who're playful and flirty--the class clown type. I don't get distracted in class because of my crushes. I don't get hyperaware when the guy I like is around. And I don't always keep an eye out for them. I don't get awfully concerned when they're hurt or in trouble (unless they're also a friend, of course).

You are the only exception.

I hate myself.



Okay, the dude in the photo is totally judging me. What can I say? I love puzzles.

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Okay. I think I needed that. I'm sorry I'm throwing all this shit at you guys and expecting you to read it. Just so you know, it's not that I don't miss you guys. And it's not that I miss him more than any of you, either. It's just that you guys aren't the ones that make me twist and turn in my sleep, and make me feel weighed down all the time.

I meant to post a lot more--I've already wrote out half of it, but it's almost 1am here and I know it'll take me at least another hour or so to finish, so I guess I should go to sleep now. But just so you know, I love all of you.