I can't write anything. This is the most major block I've had in a while. I'm not just talking about blog posts. I can't write emails (sorry May Ee!), long fb comments, stories (not even 500-word ones), lyrics, poems. Fuck, I can't even write a single line that's gripping and makes sense. Kind of panicking right now.

Four months in India, and you want to know my health record? Down with the fever/cough/cold package twice (with those damn antibiotics prescribed once), and food poisoning once. Le sigh. And I used to boast that I've been vomit free since '03. There goes my tag line. And that's just physically.

Mentally, I'm far from fine, too. My head's a mess. I want to forget about other people and for once just let myself be happy, but the guilt's killing me. I can hear the ticking heart. Hell, the heart I hear's not ticking, it's pounding. How the fuck is he able to stand it?

I can't keep sleeping in your bed
If you keep messing with my head
Before I slip under your sheets
Can you give me something please
I can't keep touching you like this
If it's just temporary bliss

Okay. Okay, here's a plan. I'm going to let myself be carefree until this New Year's. And then in the next one month, while he's gone, I'm going to prepare myself. Build walls. Become stronger. I might not be a good person, I might be selfish, I might be greedy, lazy, useless, worthless...but. I know I still deserve more than this.

But forget all that for a moment now. I need this New Year's Eve to be perfect. I need everything that I've ever imagined will happen to happen. If I'm not going to do the right thing, then at least I shouldn't have any regrets.

-----

This is from a draft long ago that I never got around to publishing, so here, it still holds weight anyway:

You know what's the problem? I don't think I'll ever find someone I can tell every single thing I feel too, even if I want to. I'm so...complex--which, when it comes down to it, is just a nicer way of saying fucked up. Sometimes I feel like I want to get away from myself, because there's too much of me to take. How can I expect a stranger to accept and understand (let alone love) me when I can't even do that much for myself?

To every guy who's ever liked me to some extent beyond that of a friend...I'm sorry.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

- Sylvia Plath

It's when everyone around me is gossiping about how he's in love with me (and I know better than anyone else that it's just a rumor).

It's when he checks up on me day and night (but only after making sure she's fine, first).

It's when he tells me he'll miss me when he leaves next month (but I know I'd be but a far away memory, because he'll be with her).

It's when he's saying the sweetest things to me at 12 at night and 4.30 in the morning (and her name creeps into the conversation because she's a bigger part of his life than I'll ever be).

It's when he asks me to stay with him, always (but I know he only means as a friend).

It's when he begs me not to go back to sg (but he doesn't know what to do with me if I stay).

It's when he promises me that he'll study hard and follow me if I go (and I know it's a lie because how could he bear to leave her).

It's when I know that he carries around my letters to him in his shirt pocket, close to his heart (but really it's just an empty space because he's already given it to someone else).

It's when I finally realize that I can commit to someone (but the person I want to commit to doesn't need it).

Truth is, I really, really want to write stuff that matters, stuff that's at the least entertaining to read, but right now, I feel so suffocated. I've been down with fever since last Sunday. I feel a lot worse than I usually do when I'm sick. I guess it's because of everything else that's been going on, too.

On a side note, May Ee, I finally realized why you sneeze the way you do! Usually, my sneezes are normal, passing. But today, every single time I sneeze, I can't control a single muscle of mine, and it's like my whole head's caving in and shrinking inside my body. Gross. This feeling's awful.

It's just so hard not talking to him. I feel like shit. And the thing is, everywhere I go in school, people are talking about him. Yeah, okay, I get it, he's popular. But before, I used to feel happy just hearing the mention of his name. And now...I want to get away, and I've nowhere to go. And I can't even tell my friends to just...stop, because they don't even know about any of this.

I wasn't crazy about him when it started. I thought he was sweet. I thought I could use a guy who was nice, who cared. And he did. Fuck, he still does, and I know that. But I feel sad anyway. It's just that, the reason he's not talking to me is because he's angry. And usually he'd get over it in a few hours, maybe a day, but if he's not talking to me for this long...it means I must've really hurt him.

And that's why I can't even sleep properly. I tried to talk to him twice, but he kind of blew up, and I figured he needs his space. It's been a week though, idk what to do. Am I supposed to wait? Is he pissed off that I'm not trying harder? I'm shit at relationships, aren't I.

Ugh I barely have time to use the internet these days. Figured I'd get a quick post in. So far, this week's been awful for me.

I woke up late on both Monday and Tuesday (ended up skipping a shower on Monday, got ready at lightning speed only to realize that I was wearing the wrong uniform--we're supposed to wear white uniforms on Mondays...don't ask--then had to change my uniform again), half-assed braiding my hair because apparently NOTHING would go right, skipped coffee, practically ran to catch my bus, had to study for a shitload of tests at school, got scolded by teachers for stuff I didn't even do, then came home and dragged my ass to French class--and alone, too, because F was down with high fever (he's okay now though, yay)--and wrote tests there too, all the while hoping that the next day would be declared a school holiday because of the downpour--but, no, that's not going to happen anytime soon.

I took leave today though. It's All Souls' Day. I visited my grandpa's grave. Apparently here, cemeteries are locked all the time, and you've to get permission from the priest if you want to visit someone's grave (and even that's only allowed on death anniversaries). Um, wow, indians have to do everything differently, don't they.

SK, I'll reply to your message as soon as I can, sorry.

And May Ee, hahaha the crush-radar is patented by me :P Okay but in all seriousness, a crush radar is a waste of space in your brain. No girl needs that shit, trust me. It just makes you very paranoid and uptight and unable to be yourself anymore. As for being girly inside when I saw him...that's an understatement. I was completely, utterly fucked around A. In retrospect, I'm embarrassed just thinking about it D: I apologize for fangirling about him so much to you haha. And thank you for all your eye rolls--they weren't very effective, but it's the thought that counts :P